Back On The Saddle

It's been a long time.

Since my last post, we've migrated to a new country, got pregnant again, went through the vomiting shit again (this time, alone in a foreign country), gave birth again and breastfeeding again. This time, we're going to avoid the stuff that made J1 reactionary and very likely caused his ASD. That decision was a hard one, and it comes with a whole host of other worries.

But yeah, I'm back and it's high time I started writing again to get rid of the gray clouds hanging over my head, thanks to all the life changes above.

Lifted A Car & Saved My Family

Ok, it's not as dramatic as it sounds, but some parts are.

I've spoken about my rage issue in previous posts, and it was reaching the point where I didn't know what else to do to control it.

It's not just as simple as taking a breath, or checking my temper. It explodes without warning, at the slightest provocation, and I don't even know what's causing my temper to simmer all the time - but it does. And when someone does something small, it's like tossing a whole bottle of Eno into a boiling pot of water. Or Mentos in a Coke bottle - whatever the urban legend is that makes harmless things explode.

I was praying hard. I had already hurt myself several times in attempts to redirect the rage to inanimate things like the furniture. I was afraid someone else was eventually going to be seriously hurt. It had to stop.

Action 1:

The fire seemed to lower after I wrote my last blog post, because I realised I was trying to be EVERYTHING to the kids and the pressure was killing me. Especially the part about feeding them enough food, nutritiously. Once I worked out what was important to me, or what I wanted the kids to feel and think about me in the long run, I could refocus my energy on that and stop spreading it so thin across everything.

Still, the water was simmering and I was still losing my temper with the kids and everyone else. Had a major blowout with my loved ones too, which made things worse, and the kids got the brunt of it.

Action 2:

So I had made a decision to take a page from my FB moderation awsum-skillz book, and STOP ENGAGING in conflict with other adults - no matter how much they bait me or their words upset me. Engaging just upsets them, and me, and no one comes out the winner. I only needed to keep quiet, hold my tongue - be cool. Be cool, bitch. Be cool.

I had to consciously stop taking things personally, and let the words just roll off my back like water off a duck. It helped that I had set my Parenting Priorities in my previous post, and those were fresh in my mind and it helped to keep my actions in perspective.

But still, the water was still running hot and nowhere close to tepid.

Action 3:

I feel like the the turning point was when I ... * drum roll * ..... lifted the Honda City.

I was simmering with anger the whole morning while we were on a family outing, and the car got accidentally driven over this cement hump at the parking lot (not all the lots have it, but ours inexplicably did), the front wheels went over and KRUNK, the bottom of the car scraped the hump and chipped off a few bits of cement chunks.

We tried to reverse it back over the hump (so we didn't scrape more of the car's underbelly) but the car had no power to get back over it.

I was already at exploding point now, and stormed out of the car immediately, walked to the front, grabbed the bottom of the bumper just under the license plate .... and lifted the car. 

No. But it sure felt like this!

My first attempt failed. It didn't budge.

I used more strength and lifted it again, and pushed, while the driver reversed it ... and the car went up and over the cement hump without further fuss.

All this while, 2 terrified indian ladies in a nearby car were watching me with wide eyes. Hahah.

Later, I found I had sprained my wrist and pulled the slipped disc in my neck from the exertion, but I didn't feel it at the time. Too much adrenaline.

This is an illustration of just how violent and angry I was during this rage period - and how dangerous I was to the kids.

After this incident, all the anger seemed to have leaked out of me. It's like all the bad shit that was roiling around inside me, contained inside me, was released into the effort to do something superhuman like lift a car! I do remember feeling weak, but euphoric after I got back into the car.

I'm glad to say that things seemed to have calmed a lot and I feel a lot more like myself again, and even though the kids still do things that make me mad or make me yell at them, I no longer have the violent, uncontrollable rage that used to take control of my body.

Hope it's not just hormonal and temporary. I like being happy and in control of my life again.

My family is safe. And all it took, was for me to lift a car.

Nice Poem

Saw this on The Hubby's friend's status update (not sure if the friend wrote it or not), so thought I'd record it here before it's lost to cyberspace forever. 

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Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the Pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll.
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.

God's Wake Up Call = Me Falling Off A Chair

I fell today.

At 10.30am, I was blacking out the windows with sugar paper, and standing on my dresser which is about 4 feet off the ground. I stepped off the dresser and onto the plastic chair (that I've been using as a stepstool for years without incident) and noticed a long-lost hairclip that had fallen behind my dresser.

I was just thinking, "Hey cool! There it -," and the chair went out from under me.

Normally, I'm good at catching myself, having saved myself and Josh from a nasty fall a few weeks ago when irresponsible Malaysian shops left leaky aircond water on the floor. I managed to find a way to land on my knees, even though I was about to fall backwards.

This time, there was too much furniture in the way for my reflexes to right myself, and I was horribly helpless as gravity took control.

The chair flipped on its side and my whole weight came crashing down on its corner, jamming into my left buttock, making me bounce toward the bed so my head could take the rest of the impact when it cracked against a wooden beam cushioned inside the bedhead, and finally slamming my back on the floor.

I lay there are cried - in pain, and in fear. I didn't know how bad the damage was (but my back and neck were fragile enough with all the slipped disc problems, and I was afraid this had done them in) and I was afraid for Josh who was sleeping in the next room. What if I couldn't go to him?

This just made me more determined to show myself I was ok. Still went out to buy McD's for lunch, refuel the car, vacuum the room and take down the rest of the curtains.

But I had a lingering headache later in the afternoon, different from my usual sleep-deprivation migraines. And my neck was progressively getting worse. And I started to feel the excruciating pain in the places I had fallen. I could barely sit or roll on my left side, I was so sore.

Then I started feeling nauseous. This was starting to worry me.

Luckily, dad checked and said everything was ok, but to observe for vomiting and headaches.

I just felt the wind taken out of me. Although I still did lots of stuff, those were just the essentials. I had a lot more things planned for the day, and I just didn't have the heart to do them after this.

I felt like God was answering my earlier prayers about my mother's rage, and He was telling me to slow down for the sake of the family. So what if I'm not a great cook or super clean? The kids need me healthy, happy and ALIVE. Slow down!

Damn, now the fingers in my left hand have gone numb and feels sore like I've been flexing them all day. Having a bit of trouble typing with my left 3rd and 4th finger now. Please please be ok.

Marriage and Kids. Do we have the right expectations?

I was quite shaken to learn that there were many marriages in my generation of marriages which are / were / going to be in trouble.

Shaken because it seemed to be happening at the same time for all of them, and because my own marriage was also in the same "place" as the other marriages - as in, not married long, just had kids etc...

Shaken because it seemed like no marriage was safe.

Is this a phase everyone's marriage is supposed to go through? Like the 7-year itch?

Is mine going to go through the wringer as well??

The Husband and I were really worried. We started examing the health of our relationship to see if there were things we missed, since life with kids keeps you so busy you sometimes forget to change your underwear, much less remember to check-in with your spouse on their "feelings".

Yeah there are things I'm sure he's not happy with ... like I'm no domestic goddess, and he's lucky if I boil an egg for him and dust the room once every 6 months. And, after 2 kids, I don't look like a Victoria's Secret underwear model. Then again, I didn't look like one BEFORE the 2 kids ....

But I am an awesome person. And I am just plain awesome to be married to. And he was a good match to my awesomeness. He's soft where I am hard, and sensible where I am too emotional. He's my matching jigsaw piece. I am aware of it, and I appreciate it, often.

And we're lucky that we had discussed our mutual awesomeness and lack of awesomeness before we got married, and knew what our expectations of each other, of marriage and of parenthood were before all these things hit us.

And we're lucky that no matter how fucking tired we are at the end of the day, we still look forward to talking to each other in the twilight moments before we fall asleep.

We're just fucking lucky.

We're also always reminded how we were intended for each other by the grace of God. Literally brought together by His hand. And we're not going to waste all His efforts by sniping over who didn't put up the toilet seat.