Back On The Saddle

It's been a long time.

Since my last post, we've migrated to a new country, got pregnant again, went through the vomiting shit again (this time, alone in a foreign country), gave birth again and breastfeeding again. This time, we're going to avoid the stuff that made J1 reactionary and very likely caused his ASD. That decision was a hard one, and it comes with a whole host of other worries.

But yeah, I'm back and it's high time I started writing again to get rid of the gray clouds hanging over my head, thanks to all the life changes above.

Potty Training Condor 1

METHOD : 
Started potty training him around 2+ years old because wanted to send him to Diyana, which only accepted kids at 2.5 years old who are fully potty trained.

Tried sitting him on plastic potty, but he didn't like it because the pee cover rubbed or pressed against his penis. Settled on potty like a miniature toilet, which was Justin's old one.

Tried letting him walk around pantless, but worried about the poo, so tied a makeshift nappy around his hips which kept falling and he kept trying to remove. Kept peeing on he floor and couldn't control. Would sit him on the toilet every hour or so, and sweat buckets while waiting for him to pee, only to give up and bring him down and pee on the floor 5 seconds later. Gave up after a few days, too much stress.

Tried again in another 1 or 2 months. Same nappy, same discomfort. Constantly wet himself, and peed on the floor right after being lifted from potty. Bought a whole bunch of underwear and let him wear it, but still no success. Lots of potty dancing, screaming and scolding (because other people told me that's what they did and it worked for their kids, who became dry in something like a week), but no effect. I went a little nuts in pressuring him. Couldn't understand why it was so difficult when everyone else had success in as little as a few days!!! Didn't help that Oo ku and others were around while attempting this, and they would verbally berate him for failing and Oo ku even carried him to the potty and tried to force him to pee. I could tell the pressure sort of embarassed and traumatised him to the point he was scared to look at the toilet or potty. Gave up after a week, with no progress.

Tried again in another 2 months or so. Prepped him for a couple of weeks before by reading the "I Want My Potty" book. Also gave him Lightning McQueen stickers to stick on his potty to personalise it. Let him just his potty (lid down) as a chair to watch shows every once in awhile. Left it in plain sight in his play area, so he could sit anytime he wanted.

Then went pantless. Would still piddle on the floor, but I had to keep calm and remind him, "The potty is the place" ... and take him there to sit down even though he may have been finished. Still not much success with the pee. Discovered he preferred to stand and pee into the bowl, and that was successful with me urging him there every couple of hours (or after lots of liquids) and making "shhhh" sounds. Would pee once in awhile, but still not consistent, still peeing on the floor. Especially when there were lots of people in the house (Chian Ee and gang).

WHEN :
2+ years onwards

RESULTS : 
Breakthrough moment was one morning when he came down from bed. He urgently wanted to poo, and we removed his diapers but were too busy talking to notice him jumping around. He ran to the nearby potty, and we lifted the cover for him and he plopped his butt down on it and let loose! He was very pleased with all our cheering.


Can't remember much after that, but there were hits and misses, but mostly he was able to run to the potty on his own when he needed to pee. Then we put underwear on him, which he would wet once in awhile. Then practiced him in undies when we went out for short trips to the playground, without incident.

Slowly, his control got better and better, despite the trauma in Diyana. As long as we brought him to toilet every few hours, he could hold it in. By about 3 years or so, he was almost 100% potty trained!

Teaching Condor 1 & 2 to share

Condor 1 wants a toy, other kid refuses to share because he's not ready to, doesn't know how or is just an asshole. C1 TO meltsdown and I can't do anything about it, because he's fixated on the toys. Can't expect small kids to understand sharing when they've not been taught to, and can't expect them to understand the concept of sharing when they only understand ownership.

Can't expect small kids to understand sharing when they've not been taught to.

METHOD : 
Teach my kids to ask others to "Exchange", then thrust another toy in their face to tempt them, then take the toy my kid wants from the other kid's loosened hand, which had loosened to take hold of the new toy.  Then say, "Thank you" during the exchange. Gotta guide their hands the whole way, in the beginning, until they can understand and remember the process, then transition to verbal reminders to "exchange".

Sometimes, the other kid doesn't want the new toy offered. Told C1, "He doesn't want this one. Find one that he wants" and guide C1 to find another toy that may interest him. Keep offering new toys till one works. If all doesn't work, then tell C1, "He's not ready to share, so we can't force him to. You will have to wait till it's your turn to play." Then calm, console and distract C1 as much as possible while keeping a hawkeye on the other kid, then prompting C1 to grab it the minute the kid is done, "Ok, he's done.  Your turn to play now! Go take it!"

WHEN :
Started teaching C1 around 2 years old and Condor 2@ 18 months.

RESULTS : 
C1 and C2 do not fight over toys (sometimes still do, if it's a brand new toy) and can exchange toys peacefully on their own when at home or even seated in their car seats during a long journey. Each automatically understands that when a new toy is thrust in their face, if they like it, they give their current toy to the other without a fight. They do not hoard toys, and tend to play with one toy at a time. Sometimes, when C2 is done with his toy (the one that C1 wants), he will walk over to C1 and hand it to him without further prompting.

How To Gently Introduce Your Toddler To Kindergarten

STEP 1 :
Dump him into the kindergarten of your first choice, prepared to stay there the whole day, only to have him wave bye-bye to you and disappear around the corner without a care in the world.

STEP 2 :
Discover 1 week later how much he hates the kindergarten, and you have to pull him out before it creates irreparable psychological damage due to the insensitive, asshole teacher in charge of his young toddler mind. Lucky we only lose the deposit and not the term fees.

STEP 3 :  
Wait for a month to let him recover, all the while trying to brainwash him with books or videos about how fun school is. Let him choose a water bottle or something personal that is specifically for his school, and tell him it's for school.

STEP 4 :
Take him to your 2nd choice kindy, and explain your previous difficulties to the new teacher / principal and ask them to be patient with him and not force him into anything. Be ignored by them the first few times, until they see how much he cries each time he loses sight of you, then be taken seriously. Now you can tell them for real what you need them to do for your son.

STEP 5 :
Stay with him the whole session, bringing your second child with you because you can't leave him alone at home. Sweat to death the entire time because you are busy chasing both boys around the kindy and trying to get them to sit down and listen to the teacher or participate. Occasionally chasing around one of the other kindy kids, to be helpful to the teachers and hopefully inspire them to be patient with my own kids. Take lots of pictures and see how patient teachers are with him.

STEP 6 :
Fall horribly sick the next day due to all the heat and stress, develop killer sore throat, which morphs into horrible wet cough in the next few days and lasts for more than a month. The kids too. Reduce the number of days you go to kindy from 4 days/week to 2 days/week because your body just can't take it. Especially since you still have to take care of the household chores, cleaning, cooking, laundry etc... after you've spent the whole exhausting morning there with the 2 kids. Lunch is impossible to cook, unless I wake up really early that morning to make the soup before we leave. Most of the time, mommy will go hungry because she only has enough time to cook lunch for the kids, and none for herself. Some of the times, mommy will tapau KFC for everyone, and on those days, mommy will feel human again.

STEP 7 :
Keep this up for 2 exhausting months. Made worse by the fact that the timing runs into the biggest crime month of the year, Ramadhan. Add the stress from the constant fear of being car jacked, robbed, snatch thefted, slashed in front of your home, smash-and-grabbed, home invaded etc... to the mix, as friends and family around you are victims of such crime during that month. 

STEP 8 :
Discover what your kid enjoys, which is art and craft. And wait for the holiday programme, which is intensive art and crafts, and start warning him that you can't follow him to school anymore. Follow him for 3-days into the holiday programme. Then tell him he'll be staying on his own the next day, and that the teachers will be taking care of him after that. Mommy needs to go home and clean the house and cook his food, and she will be back to fetch him at 12 o'clock - show him where the hands go on the clock.

STEP 9 :
Drop off second kid with mother in law. Leave eldest in school on the last day of the week, so you have the weekend to reassure him and bond with him. Steel yourself for tears and wailing. There will be a lot of it. Be firm, do not show him that you are worried. It's no big deal. Show him the clock on the wall and tell him that mommy will be back to fetch him at 12 o'clock. Leave your number with the teacher and tell them to call you if he's been crying non-stop for more than 30 minutes. Wait around outside the classroom, hidden, listening to him wail and wring your hands helplessly. See the teacher finally manage to distract him with something, then make your getaway, and continue hand wringing at home, keeping your phone (which never rings) close to you in case. Pick him up before classes end, see him beaming at the sight of you, hug him happily (but do not show him your anxiety) and point to the clock and show him that it's 12 o'clock and mommy is here as promised. Do this each time. Be surprised that he's quite cheery the rest of the day, compared to his shutdown behaviour from the previous kindy.

STEP 10 :
Spend lots of quality time over the weekend, talking about how good the teachers were to him and assuring him that they will take care of him, and that he should learn to ask them for help if he can't do something. Help him to make "Thank you" cards for the teachers, with their names on it, and buy some Hershey kisses to go with them.

STEP 10 :
Get him to hand deliver each thank you card & chocolate to all his teachers. Continue leaving him there, telling him you're going out to cook, will be back at 12 o'clock - then leave and listen to him wail until he gets distracted, all the while holding 2nd child and hiding behind the wall. But the wailing is less and less now.

STEP 11 :
After 2 weeks of leaving him there with bated breath (minus some days he had to stay home because he's always catching something), he starts waving happily at you and saying, "Bye bye mommy!" when you drop him off, and you can finally start making plans in the mornings he goes to kindy!

STEP 12 :
A little hiccup as the wailing starts again when the new term begins, because he hates the structured learning and lessons. But stand firm and leave him there. He will be ok.

Lifted A Car & Saved My Family

Ok, it's not as dramatic as it sounds, but some parts are.

I've spoken about my rage issue in previous posts, and it was reaching the point where I didn't know what else to do to control it.

It's not just as simple as taking a breath, or checking my temper. It explodes without warning, at the slightest provocation, and I don't even know what's causing my temper to simmer all the time - but it does. And when someone does something small, it's like tossing a whole bottle of Eno into a boiling pot of water. Or Mentos in a Coke bottle - whatever the urban legend is that makes harmless things explode.

I was praying hard. I had already hurt myself several times in attempts to redirect the rage to inanimate things like the furniture. I was afraid someone else was eventually going to be seriously hurt. It had to stop.

Action 1:

The fire seemed to lower after I wrote my last blog post, because I realised I was trying to be EVERYTHING to the kids and the pressure was killing me. Especially the part about feeding them enough food, nutritiously. Once I worked out what was important to me, or what I wanted the kids to feel and think about me in the long run, I could refocus my energy on that and stop spreading it so thin across everything.

Still, the water was simmering and I was still losing my temper with the kids and everyone else. Had a major blowout with my loved ones too, which made things worse, and the kids got the brunt of it.

Action 2:

So I had made a decision to take a page from my FB moderation awsum-skillz book, and STOP ENGAGING in conflict with other adults - no matter how much they bait me or their words upset me. Engaging just upsets them, and me, and no one comes out the winner. I only needed to keep quiet, hold my tongue - be cool. Be cool, bitch. Be cool.

I had to consciously stop taking things personally, and let the words just roll off my back like water off a duck. It helped that I had set my Parenting Priorities in my previous post, and those were fresh in my mind and it helped to keep my actions in perspective.

But still, the water was still running hot and nowhere close to tepid.

Action 3:

I feel like the the turning point was when I ... * drum roll * ..... lifted the Honda City.

I was simmering with anger the whole morning while we were on a family outing, and the car got accidentally driven over this cement hump at the parking lot (not all the lots have it, but ours inexplicably did), the front wheels went over and KRUNK, the bottom of the car scraped the hump and chipped off a few bits of cement chunks.

We tried to reverse it back over the hump (so we didn't scrape more of the car's underbelly) but the car had no power to get back over it.

I was already at exploding point now, and stormed out of the car immediately, walked to the front, grabbed the bottom of the bumper just under the license plate .... and lifted the car. 

No. But it sure felt like this!

My first attempt failed. It didn't budge.

I used more strength and lifted it again, and pushed, while the driver reversed it ... and the car went up and over the cement hump without further fuss.

All this while, 2 terrified indian ladies in a nearby car were watching me with wide eyes. Hahah.

Later, I found I had sprained my wrist and pulled the slipped disc in my neck from the exertion, but I didn't feel it at the time. Too much adrenaline.

This is an illustration of just how violent and angry I was during this rage period - and how dangerous I was to the kids.

After this incident, all the anger seemed to have leaked out of me. It's like all the bad shit that was roiling around inside me, contained inside me, was released into the effort to do something superhuman like lift a car! I do remember feeling weak, but euphoric after I got back into the car.

I'm glad to say that things seemed to have calmed a lot and I feel a lot more like myself again, and even though the kids still do things that make me mad or make me yell at them, I no longer have the violent, uncontrollable rage that used to take control of my body.

Hope it's not just hormonal and temporary. I like being happy and in control of my life again.

My family is safe. And all it took, was for me to lift a car.

How I Want My Kids To Remember Me

Given how low I've been feeling, how I'm actually starting to resent motherhood and all the inhuman giving that it requires of you, I've decided to try a more positive type of visualisation exercise. I really don't know what else to do, because I think I'm reaching the end of my rope.

When my boys are grown and they think back on their childhood, I've always wanted to be remembered like this :
- In their mind's eye, I'm surrounded by a golden nimbus of love, warmth, gentleness and all-round awesomeness.
- The Madonna-mother. (Haha. I laugh even as I type this. Maybe this one is too ambitious.)
- The one they run to for comfort when they're hurt.
- The one who is so strong, powerful and awesome that she can protect them from anything that scares them, whether it's human bad guys, or evil ethereal beings.
- The one they can confide in or talk to about anything and everything, because they know that she will listen with an open-heart (though she can't help being judgemental).
- The one they enjoy sitting in silence with, because they just like her company.
- The one they know loves them unconditionally, but will not hesitate to punish them if they do the wrong thing.
- The cool mom. 

Hahahahahaha. No, I think.

This might be more likely.

Hmm. Nowhere in there does it say I want to be remembered as the mom who always kept the house clean, their clothes washed and ironed, or their food yummy & chock-full of nutrition (this one always stresses me the fuck out). Interesting.

Please God, give me strength to be these things.

Condor 1's "Gifts" - The Genting Experience

We've always suspected Condor 1 was psychic and could see "things".

Experience 1

When he was around 1+, he often cried and clung in fear to his caregiver when he was being bathed in my in-laws' spare room. He hated one particular spot high up in the curtains, where it was a little dark, even with the lights on. Always would stare at that spot and cry. The maids would get creeped out and run down the stairs with him, while he was still half-dressed.

Experience 2

He's about 2yo and having dinner with us in Churrascaria, this Brazillian place. He's seated near some handmade earthenware pots, and was fine till an hour into dinner he starts freaking out and crying for no reason. The waiter (who's been there since the beginning of time) came over calmly and made the sign of the cross on C1's forehead and said, "Jesus, please protect me from the things I see" and C1 calmed down immediately. About 15-30min later, he freaked out again. Again, the waiter repeated the ritual and he calmed. I asked C1 to say, "Thank you, uncle" and for once, he actually looked at him and said it. Normally, he NEVER acknowledges another human being or speaks to them despite my prompting. So that in itself was amazing enough for us to take note of.

Experience 3

In my house (around 1yo or younger), my mom saw him staring at the landing of my staircase, then following something with his eyes as it came down the stairs and walked out the front door. Then he stated brightly, "Tata!" which is his word for grandfather, although Tata refers to his paternal grandfather who is still alive, and KongKong would be for his maternal grandfather who had passed away more than 5 years ago.

Experience 4

He can also pick things out of your head, if you happen to be thinking hard about something. Sort of like how I can do that with my siblings. Last week, he went on a car ride with my hubbie and his friend, and suddenly said, "Stones! Stones!" My hubbie and friend froze, cuz that is my hubbie's nickname from school. His friends used to call him that all the time, but not recently, and not in front of C1.


We joke about his "powers" all the time, because I always wanted to have psychic abilities like pyrokenesis or telekenesis, or even mind control, so I was open-minded and almost wishful about the abilities. But we never seriously thought he had any.

We went to Genting on 6th Sept to celebrate my birthday, and now have 99.9% confirmed that he has them.

THE PROOF

On 6th Sept, he spent the whole evening playing in the indoor theme park. We took the connecting walkways back to the hotel around 10pm and walked past a row of old promo posters featuring artistes who had performed in Genting before (some of them almost dead, like Cliff Richard, and some of them already dead, like Michael Learns To Rock). James was fine, chattering away about his day.

Hmm. This IS pretty scary.

On 7th Sept, after a whole day in the outdoor and indoor theme parks, we took the walkway back again around 8.15pm, because C1 had very little sleep the night before and gets very lau kai, so we wanted him in bed earlier.

Before C1 and my hubbie reached the row of posters, he started freaking out, saying, "Scared! Scared! Scared!" and wanting his father to carry him. His grip around his father's neck tightened into a vice when they walked past the posters, and he shut his eyes as tight as he could, refusing to open them or be let back on the ground.

He does have irrational fears of things like this every once in awhile, so we figured he was just afraid of the posters of the creepy old singers and of plastic surgery (Jolin Tsai). Hubbie had to put him down at one point to help me carry Condor 2 down some stairs in his pram. C1 refused to let go, clinging to him like a burr.

Plastic surgery. Terrifying.

When he peeled C1 off, C1 stood on the ground shaking a little, body all tense, with his eyes still tightly shut. I kept telling him there were no more pictures, and kept repeating what I said, then slowly opened his eyes. He didn't seem to see anything scary anymore, though he was still very shaken and clingy the rest of the way.

He kept mumbling, "C1 is scared of all the people" for the rest of the night, on and off, between other subject matters. We were all squashed into bed, lights off, when he started saying it again. So we started questioning him :

Mommy : Were the people INSIDE the picture, or OUTSIDE the picture?
C1 :  (pause) Outside the picture.
Mommy & Daddy : (geli silence)
Daddy : What colour are the people? Are they grey, black, white, pink ...?

C1 : Grey
Mommy & Daddy : (more geli silence + bulu standing)
Mommy : Are the people walking or standing there?
C1 : Standing there.
Mommy : What are they doing? Are the people talking to C1?
C1 : No. The people talk to C1. The people don't talk to C1.
Mommy : Are the people waving at C1?
C1 : The people waving at C1.

Ok, after that point, I think he lost the plot and was just repeating after me, because he kept reverting back to "C1 scared of all the people". I kept asking him to say the Hail Mary, since he knows how to say the whole thing, and he started off the first 2 lines and let me continue for the rest of the night. So scary.

We waited till we got home the next day to ask him more. I drew an outline of a man in a picture frame and an outline of a man standing on the ground, and asked him which was the people he saw. He pointed consistently at the outline of the man standing outside.

Then he got really upset and kept insisting I draw a collarbone. I drew 2 lines on the outline's chest and he seemed satisfied. Later I tried it again, same result. He asked me to draw the collarbone again and I gave him the pencil to do it, and he made 2 lines at the chest where the bone should be, then smiled.

We don't know what he saw or what happened, but we figured that on 6th Sept, since it was a Fri and there was a concert blaring just down the walkway, maybe all the restless spirits in Genting were going there to kepoh (like they do during the 7th month concerts) and that's why he could see them.

I am creeped out yet impressed at his possible abilities and hope to learn how I could help him deal with them. I see them as a gift from God, and there must be a reason he has them. I hope all the spirits are not harmful ones and this ability doesn't affect him mentally or physically - that's where I draw the line and will find a way to get his "3rd eye" closed, the way so many adults here have done so.

God's Wake Up Call = Me Falling Off A Chair

I fell today.

At 10.30am, I was blacking out the windows with sugar paper, and standing on my dresser which is about 4 feet off the ground. I stepped off the dresser and onto the plastic chair (that I've been using as a stepstool for years without incident) and noticed a long-lost hairclip that had fallen behind my dresser.

I was just thinking, "Hey cool! There it -," and the chair went out from under me.

Normally, I'm good at catching myself, having saved myself and Josh from a nasty fall a few weeks ago when irresponsible Malaysian shops left leaky aircond water on the floor. I managed to find a way to land on my knees, even though I was about to fall backwards.

This time, there was too much furniture in the way for my reflexes to right myself, and I was horribly helpless as gravity took control.

The chair flipped on its side and my whole weight came crashing down on its corner, jamming into my left buttock, making me bounce toward the bed so my head could take the rest of the impact when it cracked against a wooden beam cushioned inside the bedhead, and finally slamming my back on the floor.

I lay there are cried - in pain, and in fear. I didn't know how bad the damage was (but my back and neck were fragile enough with all the slipped disc problems, and I was afraid this had done them in) and I was afraid for Josh who was sleeping in the next room. What if I couldn't go to him?

This just made me more determined to show myself I was ok. Still went out to buy McD's for lunch, refuel the car, vacuum the room and take down the rest of the curtains.

But I had a lingering headache later in the afternoon, different from my usual sleep-deprivation migraines. And my neck was progressively getting worse. And I started to feel the excruciating pain in the places I had fallen. I could barely sit or roll on my left side, I was so sore.

Then I started feeling nauseous. This was starting to worry me.

Luckily, dad checked and said everything was ok, but to observe for vomiting and headaches.

I just felt the wind taken out of me. Although I still did lots of stuff, those were just the essentials. I had a lot more things planned for the day, and I just didn't have the heart to do them after this.

I felt like God was answering my earlier prayers about my mother's rage, and He was telling me to slow down for the sake of the family. So what if I'm not a great cook or super clean? The kids need me healthy, happy and ALIVE. Slow down!

Damn, now the fingers in my left hand have gone numb and feels sore like I've been flexing them all day. Having a bit of trouble typing with my left 3rd and 4th finger now. Please please be ok.

It's NOT normal for kids to cry at Kindy

The biggest challenge of raising a high-need kid like Condor 1 is knowing when to filter out well-meaning but damaging advice from others.

The pressure to treat him the way other kids are treated is immense, and I find myself doubting my instincts on a weekly basis. Usually when I'm exhausted, sick, there's a regression, or when people just don't understand the special care that's needed to raise a happy C1.

The most recent damaging advice received was that it's "ok to dump him in kindergarten and let him cry". That's how it's done with all the other kids.

Why the fuck did I listen? I knew he did not have the temperament for Ferberization, and kindergarten was NO exception.

When people give you seemingly simple advice on how to handle your high-need child, be sure to ask for a lot more details. Taking the kindy example :

If it's ok for him to cry, how LONG is it ok for him to cry? 

I belatedly realised that most kids will cry for a few minutes when the parents leave, but they are easily distracted by the teachers and they STOP.

When C1 had his kindy trauma, he was crying ALL FUCKING MORNING. From 8.30am till 12.00pm! It would stop for brief periods, then start again. That is NOT normal, and that is NOT ok. That's a sign that something's wrong, and you need to follow your instincts and not what some idiot told you.

Did you notice any change in his behaviour after starting kindy?

Lots of parents gloss over this VERY important point. They forget or they never notice the change in their kids after they're dumped unceremoniously in kindy.

Some kids learn to cope and adapt without much fuss. Some kids turn into total assholes, doing things they never did before as a way of acting out or expressing their feelings of abandonment. e.g. hitting, biting, wetting themselves even though they're potty trained.

I noticed the change in C1 immediately after his 1st day in the Trauma Kindy. He was withdrawn, didn't make much eye-contact, and had trouble controlling his bladder. I knew this meant trouble but I stuck it out for another 3 days, during which his behaviour got worse (wouldn't let me out of his sight, even in the house) and even his sleep was affected.

In this new kindy (Nakorn Sari), I'm happy to say that I've left him on his own twice now. I've been staying with him throughout class for a month (exhausted till I fell sick) and felt that it was time to start leaving him on his own. Especially since he seemed comfortable letting me out of his sight for long periods of time as he was absorbed in their activities.

The first time, he did cry, with big rolling tears. But I had prepared him for this moment, and assured him that I would be back at 12pm to pick him up. And I would never leave him without saying bye first (my rookie mistake at Trauma Kindy). He's used to this cue because he's learned to wait for Papa to come home from work at 7pm, so I decided it was the best way to go for him.

The teachers told me he cried till his body shook at first, but for the most part he was ok because they kept distracting him with things to do. Glad I chose the holiday programme to do this, as he loves the arts and crafts.

I was more interested in his behaviour when I came to pick him up.

I showed that I was happy to see him, but not "OMGMYPOORBABYCOMEISAVEYOUNOW!". That was good advice from the kindy owner Nancy Simon - she said when he comes to you, you must be assuring but non-challant, like "Hey, there. Wassup baby?". This allows him to pick up cues from you that this is not a scary place, because mommy is not scared for me or worried for me.

So, I'm glad to say that he was happy to see me, but he wasn't desperate to run away from the teachers or about to burst into tears. He also said the teachers were very nice to him, but I'm not sure if he was just echoing what I said. He did say he liked them. He didn't like the teacher in Trauma Kindy.

For the rest of the day, he also was very cheerful and talkative, and MORE independent than usual (feeding himself, getting out of the car etc....). He was very loving and affectionate, but NOT clingy.

That was a great sign.

Today is the second time he's been left there. LOTS of tears and wailing, and I could barely bring myself to leave. But I had to be strong, because I'd started already and I had to be consistent if I wanted him to learn to be independent in kindy, and trust his teachers to see to his needs.

I hid with Condor 2 till I saw he was distracted by the cars outside, and he stopped wailing. Then, with a heavy heart, I left.

When I came back, the poor fella had just finished 2 bowls of fried rice, and was shuffling his feet slowly and despondently on the floor mats. Again he was happy to see me and hugged me, but didn't look like he was holding in a flood of tears.

I pointed out that I was here at 12pm, as promised. He looked at the clock on the wall and declared with a smile, "The hand point at 12 o'clock!" You could see the thoughts in his head : mommy is here, she didn't leave me, I'm not so scared anymore, she won't leave me.

They had a birthday party and he was so excited he kept trying to blow out the boy's candles. He was the only kid who couldn't sit still, and kept getting scolded by the other kids when he couldn't contain himself and ran to the cake. When the cake was finally cut, he was jumping around for a piece and took his bowl to the birthday table and sat there without preamble.

He had trouble feeding the cake to himself and started asking for help. All the teachers were busy so he finally found a way to cut the piece and feed himself without dropping any. He kept asking for more. Had 2 helpings! Hahaha.

He was very happy to leave, and screamed an enthusiastic "BYEBYEEEE TEACHERRRR!" to any adult he saw. That's good because at the previous kindy, he just mumbled it robotically, the way an abused wife would kiss the cheek of a husband who had just slapped her.

Again, very affectionate at home, but not tearful or clingy. He was happy to see me, and I told him I was happy to see him. He listened to me, he was responsive, he told me he wanted to poo poo without releasing any in his pants, he was playful ....

THIS is what it's supposed to feel like when they slowly learn to be independent. I do hope it continues to go well!

It's Bloody Hard. Stop Beating Myself Up

I'm angry all the time. Ever since I've been alone at home with them 100%, it's the emotion I feel 99% of the time. I feel so guilty because I should be appreciating the beauty of parenthood and the cute little things they do and say. But I just feel angry and resentful. All. The. Time.

Think. Think. Why is this?

It's because I know several supermoms who've raised 2 kids all on their own, without grandparental help or maids. They did the laundry, housework, cooked creative and nutritious meals for the family (one of them even bakes bread daily, from scratch!) ... and their 2 kids are all grown, relatively well-behaved and ALIVE!! They also still love mommy very much, so I assume they're doing a bang up job of it.

I've always prided myself as a capable person. More than capable. So why can't I do this with more dignity and grace?!! My kids are gonna grow up hating me. All this pressure I'm putting on myself isn't helping. It just makes me angrier!

Calm down. Calm down. Think. Is it really a fair comparison?

This is hard for even the supermoms, but I also have to keep reminding myself that things really are harder for me at the moment because :

1. My kids can't put themselves to sleep. The other kids can.

This is a major one.

Both of mine still need me to either cuddle or bounce them to sleep, and obviously once they awaken in the middle of the night or afternoon nap, they can't go back to sleep without my help (although Condor 2 is slowly learning with his "breastpad blankie" - thank GOD!). Obviously this is a losgitical nightmare when Condor 2 still needed 2 naps a day and none of them coincided with Condor 1's nap timing.

And when both would wake from their naps at the same time, I would just sit there crying because I knew it was impossible to soothe both to sleep again (they are stimulated by each other's presence and want to play), and everything I had planned to finish doing was now going to remain undone.

This is partly my fault for practicing Attachment Parenting, and partly C1 for being a high-need baby so sleep training was just not possible with him.

So, at least 2 hours each day are spent putting the kids to sleep, or back to sleep. Time which could have been spent finishing up on cleaning, general house admin or cooking - if only I could just lock them in their room and let them fall asleep on their own.

They also don't sleep through the night. Both of them.. Yes, even 3-year old C1. Essentially I have been sleep-deprived and fucking grumpy for more than 3 fucking years.

2. My 3-year old refuses to feed himself

Not only do I have to cook, I have to process the food after cooking to make sure the kids can chew it (e.g. carrots must be squished, or they are just swallowed and come out whole when they lau sai), and then I have to FEED it to them. When do I get the time to cook for myself, or eat it?

I blamed myself at first till I remembered how C1 wouldn't even hold food, much less put it in his mouth when he was a toddler. I never saw him use his pincer grasp till he was almost 2 years old!!

I've recently discovered in kindergarten he's quite able to do it, but at home, he just doesn't want to. I have to cajole and force, and it just takes too much effort. Plus, he makes a mess, stains his clothes and never eats enough. So feed him I must. :(

C2, on the other hand, has been feeding himself quite well, if it's finger food like chicken. I can start him on spoons soon, if I have the energy. At least that will be one less child to worry about at mealtimes.

3.  Supermoms DO have help. 

They have part-time cleaners that come in once a week. Professional cleaners for the harder places like the windows outside the house. I've been trying to do all the cleaning on my own, whenever the kids are asleep, instead of taking some time out for myself to rest.

They use dryers for wet laundry, which is a huge time-saver compared to me having to wait for naptime before I can hang the clothes, take them in again if there's rain or the threat of it, then take them out again when the sun comes out, then check to see what's dry then take those in, and hang the still wet ones under the awning.

4. I DO have help.

Since mom has been overseas for the past 3 months, I've been trying too hard to go it alone in preparation of my future lifestyle. My MIL has been kind enough to let me send C1 over a few times a week so I can at least get my chores done, and she does offer the help of one of her maids with my cleaning (but I just don't feel comfortable with this one).

The Hubbie is more helpful than most, and I'm lucky he's so willing to help with the chores and take charge of C1 once he's back from a full day at work. He's very involved with the kids and their lives, always trying to find little ways to make my day better and cheer me up (e.g. taking us out for food on the weekend, ordering me the occasional margarita, fetching me a Coke) and it feels great to have such a strong partner who's got my back.

But somehow this just makes me feel worse because I shouldn't even be feeling stressed or angry if I have this much help. Sigh.

5. I have a part-time job, on top of my full-time one (the kids)

Yeah, I do it from the comfort of home, on my computer.
Yeah, I do it after the kids have been put to bed.
Yeah, it doesn't take up a huge chunk of time unless there's some major issue (and then it takes up a HUGE chunk of my night) or a particularly stupid, childish bitch is in charge of a project. But that's still time that I should be spending winding down, or doing chores I had not gotten to yet, or just relaxing after a hard day with a nice book or movie on the computer.


Plus, it's a job that's counter to my personality - dealing with customer complaints. Thank God I don't have to contact customers directly, just respond to their social media comments. But people on the internet are real childish assholes because of the anonymity of the medium, and they try with all their might to bait a reaction that they can share with the world. Taking in all that negativity right before bed really sucks and it will affect my equanimity and sleep.  

6. I have a High-Need kid

One of them is like having 2 or more kids. So, at best, I'm actually dealing with 3 kids ... At worst, it feels like I have 10. From the forums I've been reading, one high-need kid can sometimes be enough to destroy a marriage, because they just take so much out of you.

What's more, this one still can't be dropped off at Kindy because every major change like this is met with great resistance, soiled pants, sleepless nights, lots of tantrums and sometimes cognitive or behavioral regression. I have to be with him the whole time (with C2 in tow) which means NOTHING in the house can be done in the morning, nor in the afternoon because I am just so damn knackered.

Toilet training was such a nightmare, I'm still trying to block the pain of it out. At least now he can tell me he wants to poo, though he still routinely spots his underwear with wee. Better than flooding the floor like last time.

7.  I can't cook for shit

My time alone in Australia & Penang was full of unhealthy sausage-filling-and-potato casseroles, microwave dinners, meat pies (yum), instant pasta and eating char kuey teow in a hawker centre. Not the best diet to feed a growing family.

I had to learn when I had C1, and it's been a stressful and scary process because I don't like ruining and wasting food. I'm no domestic goddess that can whip things up at a moment's notice. And I'm constantly worried I'm going to give them food poisoning, or stunt their growth with my lack of nutritious creativity. Gotta keep working at it.

8. The house is too damn big

There's just too damn much surface area to get dirty and to have to clean. When we get our own place, I want a small single-level place with 3-bedrooms and 2 bathrooms.

Yeah, I could leave the place dirty for awhile, but more than a week goes by without a vacuum or mop, you can draw portraits in the dust and The Husband gets coughing and sneezing spells because he's allergic. Also .... read the next point. 

9. The bloody Fauna

Week-old dust attracts invisible creatures that bite the kids at night, the bites can sometimes be so bad they interrupt sleep (theirs, and ours) and leave scars. No, they're not bed bugs. I don't know what the fuck they are. No, it's not psychosomatic!!

Then there's the lizards, ants and cockroaches (luckily not so much of these anymore) who are attracted by an unmopped floor that has drops of spilled soup / food from kids struggling at mealtime. Even when the fucking floor is clean the damn lizards carpet bomb my floor, tables and kids' toys with their fucking shit. I hate them so damn much. Why are there so many of them?! They crawl over EVERY fucking thing in the house!

Then there's the fucking magpies who've decided to make nests outside the kids' room so they wake them with their loud chirping, and carpet bomb our cars with their shit even though the cars are in the damn porch!!

Then there are the bees and the wasps who keep trying to build a nest on my clothesline, or within my laundry area. So hanging clothes are usually a hazard.

Then there's the fucking mozzies. I can never bring the kids out to the garden or to the playground because there are mozzies everywhere. I'm always under house arrest.

Then there's the neighbour's fucking dog who barks (at nothing!!) for extended periods of time, and usually at the times of day that my kids are sleeping. It's bark is so damn loud it's like it's standing outside my kid's window!! The neighbour has received many complaints already, not just from me, but they are deaf and don't seem to give a shit. I really hope they get raped by rabid goats, then by their own stupid dog.

Then now there are all those robberies and muggings and kidnappings in the parking lots of popular malls! I can't even go out during the weekdays anymore for fear of my kids' safety. I'm so sick of staying at home. I feel like a goddamn prisoner!! What the hell is wrong with this damn country?!

 --------------------------------------------------------


Ok, I meant to end this on an optimistic and positive note, but it's just turned into a long whine and rant. Sigh.

I just have to stop beating myself up when an extra ball gets thrown into the bunch I'm already juggling.  Like right now, I'm down with cough and cold, and C2 is recovering from a high fever. I'm still very tired.

I'm human. Give myself a break. Don't expect so much of myself. Take it one sticky step at a time!!!

Stomach Flu - How To Deal With It

Everytime the kids come down with a bout of this, I panic and forget what I need to do to help them get through it.

So I'm writing it down for my future reference!

- They get stomach cramps, especially after eating, because the food can't digest.

- They can't eat or drink anything, at least at the beginning. So small amounts of easily digestible food, like noodles with soup (all cut up), cereal, porridge, maggi chicken, OR dry food like crackers, Japanese rice crackers, toast (white bread) with butter & jam. Meat like chicken should be ok, but gotta mash it up so digesting is easy.

- If having diahorrea, avoid dairy products like milk, yogurt and formula, though cheese and vitagen seems to be ok. Go figure.

- Remember to use BRAT (Bananas, Rice, Apple sauce, Toast) for Day 1 at least, then try the regular food for remaining days so they don't get malnourished.  

- Within Day 1 - 3, even if they are hungry, you should feed moderately. Maybe half to 3-quarters their usual food intake. Don't let them wolf down the food or that bottle of Vitagen. It is likely to come up again.

- Hydrate them! But give little sips of water at a time, but often. Wolfing it down will make them puke again.

- Let them drink porridge water if they're willing to take it. Or barley water.

If there's any more that I remember, I will continue to update.

High-Need Child, Exhausted Parents

I really thought I'd be able to send James to kindy soon. I really did. I was so looking forward to it. All those exhausting months of toilet-training, just to get him ready.

But now, it's like I'm toilet training him again. All the angst, and worry and stress. One step forward, 2 steps back. Why can't he just go to kindy like the other kids? Why why why? Why do I have to take so many more precautions and prepare so much more than other parents? Why why why?

Because he's a high-needs child. It started from my majorly fucked up vomiting pregnancy where no one understood and I suffered alone (except for my husband) and had no support, only criticism and judgement. Guess the pregnancy was preparing me for the isolation of being a parent to a high-needs child.

I just want to break down and cry. Just when I thought I could have a few hours of peace in a day (to do chores, mind you, not even to read a book or whatever), it's snatched away from me thanks to Kindergarten Trauma.

Now he's had a look at Nakornsari, and it seemed to go pretty well since he loved all the toys there. He liked the place. He said he wanted to come back.

Then I checked with him again in the evening, and he said he didn't want to go anymore. Maybe I shouldn't have left him at my MIL's. He was being very sticky today.

I wish I understood what was going through his head. I don't know what to do. Every time I think I have a handle on him, he changes things around and I'm left surfing the net late into the night to find out what went wrong.

And the sleep. OMG. Why can't you just sleep like the other kids? Still not sleeping through the night, but that's not so bad since he will sleep if daddy's next to him.

Establish a routine? BAH! What routine?! Things that worked 6 months before don't work anymore. It keeps changing. We keep having to figure out new ways to calm him to sleep. Returning to the old routine is like the adage "Insanity is doing the same thing again and again but expecting a different result".

I can't even finish this post because he's just woken up again, crying for some mythical train even though he's already holding them. Oh please God. Give me back my sanity....

Joshua's Vocabulary

The little fella is progressing a lot faster than I'm used to. He's 16.5 months now. He's lucky he's got an older brother to imitate.

"Pimp daddy in da house, yo"

So far these are the things he can say, that I can remember :
- What's this? (wah-gis?)
- Who's this? (who-gis?) : Surprisingly accurate usage when pointing at another human.
- Dog (dukkh) : Used to describe dogs, horses or any other animal or living creature.
- Cat (kaah - meeeww mewww) : For cats
- Apple (ehh-puhh) : For apples, oranges and other inanimate objects.
- Banana (na-na) : For bananas
- Moon (moo) : For the moon
- Ducky (dah-kiii) : For his rubber ducky
- Car (kaah-kaah) : For cars
- Soup (thoop) : For soup
- Aeroplane (ehh-pohhh) : For airplanes and helicopters
- Ball (bohhhh) : For balls
- Eyes (ai-ai) : For the eyes
- Nose (noooo) : For the nose
- Ta-dah (tah-tahhh) : To demonstrate his awesomeness when he's accomplished something. Not often.
- Kiss ( * makes kissing sound * )
- Fish (gihh) : For the fighting fish
- One Two Three (wahh-tooo-teeee)
- Up (up-up-up) : For getting out of his high chair
- Kick (kikhh) : For actually pretending to kick something, or kick a ball
- Goal (gohhhhhllllll) : Usually shouts this in reference to anything he does to a ball. Goal or not.
- Papa : For papa
- Tata : For tata
- Neneh : For neneh
- Ahma : For ahma
- Nen-Nen : For milk or my breastpads, or sometimes water
- Poo-poo : Usually said after he has done the deed, or in reference to the toilet
- Kai-kai : For outings in the car
- Choo-choo : For trains. He recognises the word "train" but will always respond with a "choo-choo".
- Pampers (pam-puhhh) : For his diapers
- Mam-mam : For food, but he hardly uses this one.
- Penis (pihhh-ni) : For his penis. But he only tried to say this a few times, and got shy.
- Oh no (oh-nuuuuu) : When things fall on the floor
- No (nuu-nuu-nuuu) : When scolding himself. Sometimes only.
- Hot (hahh-hahh) : When touching or eating anything hot or warm. He follows this with a jerky hand gesture, which was the sign language I tried to teach him before I got lazy. So cute.
- Cold (koh-koh) : When touching my glass of Coke. Starting to use it more accurately for other cold things.

Kindergarten Trauma

We sent James to Tadika Diyana on 11 June, the first day of school, and his first day in school EVER. Chris took leave so we could experience this big moment together, and were prepared to stay there the whole session in case he was sticky. Knowing my son, I knew he'd be fine because of the novelty of the class. It would be the next week that he'd be REALLY sticky.

I was right. He ran into class without a backward glance, while we stood outside wringing our hands and wondered why we were more anxious than him.  Even when he came out to go to another class, he saw us and looked away, more interested in where he was going than running to us.

We went home, shoulders slumped, feeling scared and depressed at leaving him there on his own. Would he be ok on his own? Would the teacher understand his needs and not push too hard? Would he be able to escape if a gunman got through security? All these worries and feelings. We cried on the way home. Stupid.

We went early to pick him and he looked frowny and upset, and couldn't wait to jump into Papa's arms. We thought it was normal separation anxiety. (PS : Joshua didn't give a shit that we were gone and happily stayed in the Neneh's house, like he'd been living there all the while)

2nd DAY

I went early so I could talk to the teacher and explain James' sensitivity, and how his development had halted when I went back to work, and only when I stopped work to have Joshua could I spend the time to SLOWLY and PAINFULLY bring him out of his shell again. I told her to be very patient with him. She was barely listening and attributed it to 1st time kindy blues. I was really pissed at her apathy, because I worked really hard to bring James to where he was, and a uncaring teacher could just screw it all up and leave me to pick up the pieces --- again!!!

He still seemed very teary and upset when I came to pick him. Teacher seemed annoyed he couldn't really feed himself (he's 3, come on!) and couldn't hold his penis to pee standing (he always preferred to sit, in our house, because he doesn't want his hands to get dirty). I said that he prefers to sit, but she insisted that he had to pee standing up. He had refused to pee the whole day, it seems. An alarming sign because his potty training is the first thing to go when he's very upset. When I took him to the kindy toilet, I had to make sure the toilet was clear of pee before he would go - then a LOT came out. Can't believe he held it all in.

He spent the whole day being very withdrawn and quiet, the way he is when he's been scolded. Since we yelled at him last night (sleep deprivation) we tried to chalk it up to him being mad at us. He wouldn't say a word about kindy. I started having doubts already, as the teacher didn't seem very patient with him.

I spoke to the headmistress and she was a lot more understanding, and asked me to talk to the teacher again, this time after class. The HM recognised that James was a high-need child (I didn't have to tell her) - which made me feel better. Issue was, this teacher was leaving in 2 mths to get married. What hope could I have of getting her to care?!

3rd DAY
He was skipping to kindy, but screamed when I took him to his class. He refused to go. Luckily, the class had gone to the Hall, and I took him there instead. He was anxious. The teacher took him before I could say goodbye, and James kept looking for me, so I went to him to say a proper goodbye. He refused to let go of me, so I followed them to cooking class - thinking it was interesting enough for him to ignore me and I could move on. I told him I was making a phone call, and when I came back, he was whining for me. Teacher told me to go, or she will not be able to control him. I didn't feel good, because he was expecting me to come back and the betrayal would cause him to lose trust next time.

I came back early to sit outside the class, and heard him calling for mommy every 10 minutes. I was horrified. Was he doing this all morning? I peeked and he was sitting in the corner of the class, holding his bag, his back facing the kids. So heart-breaking. When he came out, his eyes were swollen and the area under his nose was red and raw from being rubbed all morning.

Seriously. How the hell do you rub a kid's nose till it looks like this?!

Teacher said she had a very hard time with him because he was crying for me the whole way, refused to pee, and wouldn't participate in class. I knew I should've said goodbye. She said he cried till his whole body shook, which scared her. I told her he does that when he's VERY upset, and that's why I needed her to be patient. She listened this time.

Later James told me the teacher was angry at him because he kept crying for mommy. He woke from his nap halfway, crying for mommy, inconsolable, and it was hard to calm him back to sleep. He stuck to me like a leech the whole day, so afraid I would leave him again.

4th DAY
Again, he screamed when he neared the class, and pulled away screaming when he saw the teacher. She didn't help matters by looking impatiently at him, instead of smiling encouragingly. I went in with him, and he was ok. When he was sure I wasn't leaving, he was more willing to join the other kids in play. He still did his own thing, never really following the rest of the class unless it was something which interested him. I dunno what to do about this.

I found his fear of the toilet was because it was a waterfall-wall style, which he's never seen or used before, especially since he's been scared of public toilets due to the hand dryer. All the other boys could pull down their own pants and hold their own penises to go. The teacher expected James to do that too!

I had to help him get used to the toilet first, so I held his penis for him. He was terrified, but I made a game of it - hit the waterfall with his water gun. He finally let loose and enjoyed seeing his pee mix with the water and flow down. The next few times, he still wouldn't hold his own penis, but at least he was peeing.

He was happy to join the kids sitting down for snacks, drinking his own drink and eating bread on his own - though he didn't finish either. No adults helped anyone to eat. I'm not comfortable with this. I met another mom who had been there all week, and her son wouldn't let go of her hand to mix with the kids at all.

I saw what they taught in class, and felt it was too academic for James' age. I still wanted him to develop his life skills (eating, peeing, socialising) before getting him to learn how to write alphabets.

It was an exhausting morning of trying to get him to listen to teacher, hide from him or sneak out the door. He would yell whenever he noticed I was gone and insisted I be in the classroom, not just visible thru the window outside. He also got hit by this violent kid in class who was hitting everyone and he wailed, never retaliating, unlike the girls who actually hit back! 

WTF IS HAPPENING?!?!
Finally, class was over and I was looking forward to getting some water and food. I turned on the aircond to cool the car (hot day) and put James in his seat. Then I noticed a lot of foot traffic behind me. Given the spate of crimes where kids get jacked along with the cars, I closed my door and locked it - which locked all the other doors. I reminded myself to unlock it before I closed James' door, but because he was whining, I got distracted and due to physical memory, the minute I buckled him into his seat --- I SHUT THE DOOR!!!! The second the door left my hand I realised my mistake.

Coolly, I used the remote. But it wouldn't open the doors while the engine was running! Now I started panicking. MY BABY WAS LOCKED INSIDE!!!

I called Chris several times but he kept hanging up cuz he was in an important meeting. I had to call Caryn to get him, and finally could tell him to get the spare key for me and that James has oxygen since the engine is running.

I started banging on the window to get James to lift the lock. People came to help, but a Malay man pointed out they were freaking James out by peering in like that. James was starting to get upset, especially since I alternated between calmly instructing him to open the door and hysterical/angry panic. Someone got the nearby mechanics to try and lift the lock, but it was a Honda, not a Proton. Plus they kept looking at James, and he started to get hysterical - he told me later they scared him.

I spent almost an hour cajoling James to open the lock, but he just couldn't. He was so upset he was banging his head against the window or kicking it, trying to get me in. I had to yell at him to stop. He was so upset he got his shoe tangled in his foot and didn't have the presence of mind to undo it - he impossibly tried to yank it off.

I contemplated smashing the window, but it didn't make sense because James had oxygen and was a lot more comfortable than I was, Chris was on the way, AND I had security tint.

Chris passed me the key, and I was so fucking relieved the car had a keyhole. Definitely a criteria for our next car. Hugged a traumatised James and drove home. He was so exhausted from the ordeal he fell asleep before I got there and slept for 2.5 hours.

I spent the rest of the day agonising over whether to continue at Diyana or look for another more play-oriented kindy. I prayed hard.

After dinner, we're about to go home when Joshua poops. Reni takes him upstairs to change but ends up giving him a bath because she saw how tired I was and was being helpful. I happened to walk into the room JUST as she splashed some water into his tub, and he SCREECHED in pain. The hot day had turned the cold water into scalding water, and Josh got the brunt of it on his shoulders, chest, back and thigh!

It was all red and he was crying, and crying and crying, and I felt like I was about to fall apart.

I reeled myself in and told her to splash cold water on him. It was a few seconds before the cold water finally came in, and even then he just kept crying. Dad put lotion on him and assured us it would get better soon, as there were no blisters. Just 1st degree burns. We left him naked and I drove him home to put him to bed. Once home, he was ok and could wear PJ's.

I don't have the energy to take James to kindy tomorrow and leave Josh alone again. Plus, before bed, James told me he didn't like the teacher, and was very specific about which one, too. 

FUCK. What a day. I guess God's trying to tell me not to go back to Diyana. At least he answered my prayers pretty quickly.

Marriage and Kids. Do we have the right expectations?

I was quite shaken to learn that there were many marriages in my generation of marriages which are / were / going to be in trouble.

Shaken because it seemed to be happening at the same time for all of them, and because my own marriage was also in the same "place" as the other marriages - as in, not married long, just had kids etc...

Shaken because it seemed like no marriage was safe.

Is this a phase everyone's marriage is supposed to go through? Like the 7-year itch?

Is mine going to go through the wringer as well??

The Husband and I were really worried. We started examing the health of our relationship to see if there were things we missed, since life with kids keeps you so busy you sometimes forget to change your underwear, much less remember to check-in with your spouse on their "feelings".

Yeah there are things I'm sure he's not happy with ... like I'm no domestic goddess, and he's lucky if I boil an egg for him and dust the room once every 6 months. And, after 2 kids, I don't look like a Victoria's Secret underwear model. Then again, I didn't look like one BEFORE the 2 kids ....

But I am an awesome person. And I am just plain awesome to be married to. And he was a good match to my awesomeness. He's soft where I am hard, and sensible where I am too emotional. He's my matching jigsaw piece. I am aware of it, and I appreciate it, often.

And we're lucky that we had discussed our mutual awesomeness and lack of awesomeness before we got married, and knew what our expectations of each other, of marriage and of parenthood were before all these things hit us.

And we're lucky that no matter how fucking tired we are at the end of the day, we still look forward to talking to each other in the twilight moments before we fall asleep.

We're just fucking lucky.

We're also always reminded how we were intended for each other by the grace of God. Literally brought together by His hand. And we're not going to waste all His efforts by sniping over who didn't put up the toilet seat.

Joshua's 1st steps

He was holding a toy and standing on his own, near my computer, while James was bounding about the room and around him. He got caught up in the moment and kept taking steps forward, feet flat on the ground.

He was trying to walk after James, and not trapezing from one piece of furniture to another for once. I was amazed to see him plodding one foot after another, with GREAT stability. He even turned and continued on his journey.

I got the camera out and started videoing and he stopped. Stared at me. Realised what he was doing. Sat down. GAAAAAH.

Guess it's just a confidence thing for him now. He definitely can walk. It'll be so cute to see him walk. I can't wait! He's much more careful than James, so it should be less stressful than James' first year of walking. No need to follow him around everywhere, hovering right behind him in fear of tripping or an intentional backflip.

Stay At Home Mom = Tai Tai? .... Your head la!

Whenever people hear that you're a stay at home mom, their first reaction is, "Awwww, so lucky! Tai tai laaaaa!"

My immediate response to that is, "Tai tai?! Fuck you!" followed by a punch in the face.

Allow me to explain why homemakers have lives even shitter than a maid's :

a) A maid is only expected to do one thing at a time e.g. if they're caring for the kid, they're not expected to cook, do the laundry or clean the house at the same time. But if a housewife can't do ALL of these things at once, she is seen as a failure.

b) A maid gets to give the kid back at the end of the day, and have the night all to herself. She's even allowed one day off a week! A housewife has to take care of the kid 24-hours a day, 7 days a week.

c) If a maid falls sick, she gets a day off to recuperate. A housewife has no such luxury. She still has to care for the kids and feed them. She can't AFFORD to get sick.

d) A maid can take leave. A housewife ... gah, refer to point (b).

e) A maid is expected to look and smell the way someone would look if they had to cook, clean, care for kids all day long. A housewife these days is pressured to look like a yummy mummy, or Mr Hubbie will start looking elsewhere.

f) A maid doesn't have to worry about disciplining the kids, whether they are getting enough nutrition, DHA, AHA, ARA, WHATTA etc... and long term repercussions of what she's doing to them.

g) A maid gets paid at the end of the month.

Spawn comes in handy at Immigration

Holy crap.

Went to renew my passport today, with Joshua in tow. Got stuck in a jam for more than an hour heading to the Kelana Jaya office, mainly at the roundabout at the school. Fucking Malaysian's can't drive for shit. They turned a single lane U-turn curve into a 3-lane one, and as I was at the apex of the U-turn, waiting for traffic to inch by, an asshole zooms by to create a 4th lane! And of course, all the other jerks in line decide to follow him. Learn to drive, bloody Malaysians!!!

Joshua started wailing in the car, but thank God I could quieten him with a biscuit. Thought he was fed up of Rusks already, but he was happy to munch through it this time.

The car park was at the same level as the Immigration office, so great for families with strollers. There was a long queue at the kiosk, but it moved quickly. There was a sour-faced woman at the kiosk, wearing what appeared to be 4-inches of foundation that was 3-shades lighter than her actual skin, who helped with the submission.

You just need :
- RM300 in RM50 notes (for 5 year renewal)
- Your original passport
- Your original MyKAD
- One passport photo

No need forms or photocopy IC. Give all of them to the sour-faced woman, take your receipt and you're free to go .... to wait for 1 hour, then go to Counter 1 to take your number for collection.

I figured I could make Josh nap during the hour wait, and was shocked to see an official sign for a BREASTFEEDING ROOM! It was a acrylic sign with a drawing of a faceless mom, exposing her boob for the head of a baby. The room was basically a detention room with a long square table and 2 hard kenduri chairs, but it was an OFFICIALLY designated bfeeding room!! I was so shocked at the sensitivity!

Josh drank and I came out to bounce him to sleep. While doing so, all the eyes were on me cuz I was covering his eyes with my sling. How the fuck you think he's gonna sleep with you making so much noise, people? Talk to the hand. Puhhhh.

Then, an Indian manager started beckoning to me from way behind the counters. He asked me to come and make my passport at one of the open counters, instead of waiting for my number. Told him I already gave my stuff to the kiosk, and he wanted my collection number. Told him I only submitted it 15 minutes ago, so I didn't have one. He asked for my receipt.

And he expedited the whole thing!

In 15 minutes, someone called out my name (didn't even have to take the collection number) and I walked off with my new passport! IT'S SO HANDY TO HAVE A BABY!!!!

I'm so impressed with the efficiency, but even more so by the sensitivity shown by the Immigration people. I messaged The Husband about it and he asked if I was in Malaysia. Hur hur.

Only problem was, I had planned for an hour's wait so Josh could get his full hour's nap. As it was, poor guy only got 30 mins sleep and was wailing in the car as I left. :(

What kind of mother do I want to be?

I want to be the kind of mom who can :

1) Cook a nutritious meal for her kids everyday. Or at least meals that will allow them to reach their full potential height of 6'5" when they are adults.

2) Teach her kids how to say "Please, thank you, sorry, excuse me" at the appropriate times. "Good morning, hello, good bye uncle/auntie" and you get the picture.

3) Potty train her kids. This one is so damn hard. Why is it so hard?! WHY? Why does no one else seem to have any problems?! The mere thought of potty training makes my eyes fill with tears - the stress, the mess, the shouting, the wretched feeling of failure when the potty is always empty and the floor is not, James' detachment from me for weeks after each failed attempt.

4) Teach her kids to be appreciative of the things mommy and daddy does for them. e.g. Hug daddy when he buys him a toy he really wants, instead of just taking it without comment, or worse, EXPECTING the toy like it's his God-given right.

5) Be patient when her kids are being "lau kai" (usually when they are sick) and unreasonable. A mom who has the presence of mind to redirect her anger, when she is reaching boiling point.

6) Teach them to communicate and socialise well with other people and with their own family.

7) Be a confidant to her kids.

8) Understand her kids, make them feel understood and know how to handle them and get the best out of them.

9) Be both beloved AND feared by her kids, no matter what age they are. Like black women who can still whup the asses of their full-grown, muscular, Glock-packin' gangsta sons when they are being disrespectful.

10) Keep her kids healthy, well, happy and ALIVE.

How To Avoid Vomiting During Pregnancy

This article is copyright of The Phoenix

My theory is that the strange all-day long vomiting I've been experiencing is caused by bad chemistry between the food and my juices when they mix in my stomach.

Either the chemistry is so bad it upsets the stomach and forces my body to expunge the offending mixture, OR, the chemistry creates so much gas that it pushes the food out before peristalsis has a chance to push it safely down.

A sample of my pain. This is actually the most pleasant looking puke pile I've photographed since this ordeal started

This type of vomiting is not to be confused with regular morning sickness or regular nausea which can be alleviated by keeping your blood sugar levels up. This is NOT the same thing, so it does NOT go away after the 1st trimester.

I am 6 months pregnant now, and it's still here. The vomiting, the nausea, the migraines. Only now, I've learned what the triggers are and how to avoid them.

It's definitely caused by the ever mysterious rise in hormones which plague pregnant women. We then have to listen to helpful statements from everyone like, "No one knows what causes it. Just hang on till 2nd trimester."

Well, what if the vomiting and nausea doesn't stop after entering the 2nd trimester? What then? Same answer. Wait and see. In fact, you become one of the statistics. One of the "1 in 1,000 women" who vomit till they deliver.

Fuck that. Being a statistic doesn't soothe me, or make the experience any better! I have to fucking live with this every hour of every fucking day. There is no reprieve for sufferers. And while it's easy for everyone to say I should wait it out, or it'll be over before I know it, lemme tell you something : You try going through this and see if you can continue to be so fucking dismissive!!

The repeated reflux of acid was affecting my throat and my voice. I was starting to lose weight. I was literally scared to look at food. I'm supposed to enjoy the guilt-free eating that comes with pregnancy, not cringe in a corner at every mealtime. I couldn't even skip meals because an empty stomach would make me vomit, too - but this is more painful because it involves regurgitating sizzling gastric juices.

None of the books I've read helps. There's nothing on the web. And unless you're so sick you need to be put on drip, doctors can't help either. Solutions from modern medicine always involve some form of drugs (which I admit, I would rather continue vomiting than take) or medical equipment, as these solutions are ingrained in them by the bloody greedy drug companies. Forget about natural, nutritional solutions.

So far, I've managed to avoid being admitted to hospital by making sure I experimented, documented and theorised what caused the vomiting. I've not touched any anti-nausea medication or anything synthetic from modern medicine - as long as I'm not vomiting blood, I don't want anything from the drug companies to come near me.

The only reason I'm putting on weight again is because after 4 months of terrified eating-then-vomiting, I've figured out how to minimise my exposure to the Vomit Triggers.

I've actually got it down to a science now. But it's exhausting to keep this up everyday, especially when people around you complain that you're being too anal about it, or that it's all in your head ... until I vomit in front of them. They leave me alone after that.

Now, please note that the following is by no means an exhaustive list, but it's all the stuff I've experimented with and learned the hard way during my pregnancy. I may add to it as I find out more. Feel free to send me suggestions based on your own experiences.

These may or may not work for you, but I figured I'd document this anyway so I'll remember what to do if / when I get pregnant again.

GENERAL TIPS
- Eat a cracker the moment you wake up. Nothing else can keep the empty stomach puking at bay.
- Do not drink any water / liquids while you are eating. Leave the gastric juices undiluted so they can do their work more efficiently. I have vomited out food that I had eaten 6 hours ago, still sitting in my stomach because my diluted juices made digestion even slower.
- Drink very hot or very cold water only 1 - 2 hours after food.
- Allow up to 4 hours to digest the food, depending on what you ate. The digestive tract works much slower during pregnancy.
- Keep yourself upright for as long as possible after eating. Do not lie flat on your back. Side is sometimes ok. During this time, do not bend, double over, lean forward, squat or twist at the waist to do things. Avoid doing anything that twists the digestive tract and might squeeze the food back out.
- Be aware of your stomach for 30min - 1 hour after eating, as the stomach often doesn't get upset immediately and the vomiting usually starts later. You want to be near a toilet when it does.
- Pop a stick of Spearmint or Peppermint chewing gum after food. Literature says it's the mint that helps, but from experience I'd say it's the chewing and production of alkalitic saliva that helps calm and keep down my gastric acids. I go thru a 5-stick pack of gum a day. I've tried taking actual mint sweets (e.g. Eclipse), but they cause more gas to be released, and my food comes up again with the constant burping. It's horrible because you never know which one is going to be a burp, and which one is going to be regurgitated food. (EDIT 19 SEPT 2012: Only chew full flavour gum. NO SUGARFREE. I discovered during my 2nd pregnancy that ASPARTAME makes the nausea and gas and vomiting worse)
- Do not eat fruits right before or after meals. If you must eat, eat one or two pieces after a meal. It creates a lot of gas and uncomfortable acid reflux, and sometimes leads to vomiting. (EDIT 27 OCT 2016 : I'm on my 3rd pregnancy now. I never learned my lesson. This baby is totally different, and a lot of the food I could eat with my earlier 2 pregnancies now make me sick, but meat and steamed or boiled veggies go down pretty well still. No raw veggies! Still no fruits. Fruits are puke and gas city)

FOOD YOU CAN'T EAT
- Pork (roast pork, suckling pig, sweet meat) (EDIT 27 OCT 2016 : 3rd baby survived on roast pork, it was one of the only foods I could eat! But I'm in a different country now, so I suspect it was the seasoning on the pork that made me vomit for the 1st 2 pregnancies .... the pork I'm eating now is only seasoned with salt and brown sauce, none of the Chinese 5 spice seasoning and MSG)
- Chicken. Sometimes ok, but you'll experience a very acidic feeling in your stomach. You will burp sour acid and you will feel sick the whole time it's digesting.
- Beef. Same reason as chicken. (EDIT 27 OCT 2016 : Same as above. Seasoning with salt is fine, goes down well)
- Venison. Similar effects as beef and chicken, but slightly milder.
- Lamb. Apparently Chinese believe this is toxic and no good for the baby. Also, my new superhuman pregnancy nose can't stand the stinky smell.
- Vegetables- Dairy products (Milk or anything containing milk)
- Ice cream
- Milk chocolates
- Cheese (cheddar)
- Coconut or anything containing coconut and all its by-products (e.g. santan). This one feels the worst when being vomited out.
- Nasi Lemak- Sour plums / sum boi. For some strange reason this makes me puke. I suspect it's the body's reaction to too much salt.
- Garlic or anything that contains garlic (Thai Chilli sauce, Nando's Peri Peri sauce, chicken rice from various shops etc...). It leaves a horrible taste in your mouth for a day or so after you bite into a small, diced piece, making the nausea worse.
- Onions. Similar effect as garlic, but not as extreme if eaten raw or pan fried.
- Fried Onions. The type used to garnish or add flavour to porridge and chinese dishes. Very similar effect to garlic.
- Any form of nuts (peanuts, almonds, etc...) - (EDIT 27 OCT 2016 : I survived on peanuts and macadamias on this 3rd pregnancy)
- Fried Sesame seeds
- Bread (white, wholemeal). Causes acidic roiling in stomach.
- Homemade Chicken essence soup
- Chinese food. Usually because of all the MSG and garlic used in preparation. Yuck.
- Oranges
- Apples- Guavas
- Pears. This is intermittent.
- (EDIT 19 SEPT 2012) Anything sugarfree that contains ASPARTAME.

DRINKS YOU CAN'T DRINK
 - Carbonated drinks (Coke, Sprite, Root Beer, Ginger Beer etc ...)
- Coffee
- Milo
- Milk
- Orange juice
- Carrot juice with milk
- Lemon / Lime juice. This causes a lot of gas. (EDIT 19 SEPT 2012) But drinking a small amount, pure & super concentrated, after a meal, tends to help digestion. No sugar.
- Lukewarm water. This seems to join with the bile and unite in volume to expedite the climb out of my throat.


FOOD YOU CAN EAT
- Jacob's high-calcium crackers. Other types of crackers either make me puke or doesn't keep the gastric vomiting at bay.
- Eggs (in any form, but sparingly)
- Potatoes (baked, fried)
- Potato salad (with macaroni & eggs & mayonnaise)
- Chips (especially with tomato sauce)
- Tuna (in water & mayonnaise)
- Fish (steamed, fried)
- Chillis & Tabasco sauce. This includes spicy food made with chilli padi or dried chilli (very spicy & dry char kuey teow, Kin Kin chilli pan mee, Domino's Beef Pepperoni pizza drowned in Tabasco sauce). I was told by a doctor friend that chillis are actually good for upset stomachs as it has been found that chilli blocks acid production and increases blood flow to the stomach tissue which can aid both prevention and healing of ulcers. Epidemiological studies show (don't quote me on this) the incidence of stomach ulceration is three times lower in countries with a high intake of chilli compared with those that don't. Just make sure there is no santan or any form of milk mixed in there, or you'll vomit anyway.
- Selected fruits in small quantities (One persimmon per seating, very sour mangoes, one small banana --- not all at the same time!)
- Selected vegetables (long beans, cauliflower, broccoli)
- Clear soup (Carrot soup, clear Tom Yam soup)
- Campbells' canned mushroom soup (with water, not milk)
- Campbells' canned New England Clam Chowder soup (with water, but sometimes milk is ok too. Go figure)
- Sweet pastries (sponge cake, suji cake, chocolate cake, cupcakes, chocolate chip cookies)

DRINKS YOU CAN DRINK
- Ice cold or boiling hot water. But only in one or two mouthfuls, in between meals. Any more, and you'll puke it out.
- Cold Ribena (not the sparkling type
- (EDIT 27 OCT 2016 : Mineral water. Only certain brands, like Mount Franklin. Spritzer made me puke, makes me wonder if it even IS mineral water. I could not handle anything from the tap, everything made me sick even when filtered or boiled - which now makes me believe that the water I've been drinking all this while is actually not good for my body, since the fetus rejected it)


I'll add more to this list as I remember it.


DISCLAIMER : Given the high amount of search hits for this post (and the number of people who apparently don't know how to READ), I repeat : This is what worked for ME, to stop my vomiting and help me put on weight during pregnancy. This is not an optimal pregnancy diet, and it may not work for you. You should check everything with your own doctor (d-uh).

EDIT 1 July 2015 : My son, Condor 1, whom I was pregnant with in this article, has been diagnosed with mild autism. Now, I do not know whether the autism has external causes (it's a sensitive topic that I won't go into here, but I am sure that it was external causes), or whether the lack of nutrition he got during pregnancy had a hand in it. It's unlikely to be the lack of nutrition, as my own doctor said that the fetus takes all it needs from the mother, and my vomiting hurt ME more than the baby (cuz all my nutrition stores had gone to the baby, and I had none for myself).

BUT .... I think about it all the time, and I want whomever that reads this to have this information so they can make their own choices. 

To balance out this info, my second son, whom I also used this diet for, got a hell lot more nutrition cuz this time I wasn't puking everything out in the first trimester, and I actually gained 7kg, instead of the 2kg I gained with my first son. And my 2nd son does NOT have autism, and is in fact highly intelligent and naughty as hell.

EDIT 27 Oct 2016 : I just had my 3rd child. What the fuck, right? Why am I allowing myself to suffer like this again for the THIRD time?!?! Anyway, a lot of the food I could eat, is now food I can't eat, so I had to test and start all over. I made ammendments above where they were different. This pregnancy made me realise a lot of the vomiting isn't just the food, but also what's been added to it! So keep your food as natural and wholesome as possible (i.e. don't add too many sauces, seasonings etc) and make sure it's all cooked, cuz raw stuff like veggies are harder to digest and upset your tummy more at this stage.

It's still early days, but Condor 3 appears to be neurotypical and doesn't have the markers that Condor 1 had at his age, so here's hoping he's fine.