I really thought I'd be able to send James to kindy soon. I really did. I was so looking forward to it. All those exhausting months of toilet-training, just to get him ready.
But now, it's like I'm toilet training him again. All the angst, and worry and stress. One step forward, 2 steps back. Why can't he just go to kindy like the other kids? Why why why? Why do I have to take so many more precautions and prepare so much more than other parents? Why why why?
Because he's a high-needs child. It started from my majorly fucked up vomiting pregnancy where no one understood and I suffered alone (except for my husband) and had no support, only criticism and judgement. Guess the pregnancy was preparing me for the isolation of being a parent to a high-needs child.
I just want to break down and cry. Just when I thought I could have a few hours of peace in a day (to do chores, mind you, not even to read a book or whatever), it's snatched away from me thanks to Kindergarten Trauma.
Now he's had a look at Nakornsari, and it seemed to go pretty well since he loved all the toys there. He liked the place. He said he wanted to come back.
Then I checked with him again in the evening, and he said he didn't want to go anymore. Maybe I shouldn't have left him at my MIL's. He was being very sticky today.
I wish I understood what was going through his head. I don't know what to do. Every time I think I have a handle on him, he changes things around and I'm left surfing the net late into the night to find out what went wrong.
And the sleep. OMG. Why can't you just sleep like the other kids? Still not sleeping through the night, but that's not so bad since he will sleep if daddy's next to him.
Establish a routine? BAH! What routine?! Things that worked 6 months before don't work anymore. It keeps changing. We keep having to figure out new ways to calm him to sleep. Returning to the old routine is like the adage "Insanity is doing the same thing again and again but expecting a different result".
I can't even finish this post because he's just woken up again, crying for some mythical train even though he's already holding them. Oh please God. Give me back my sanity....