God's Wake Up Call = Me Falling Off A Chair

I fell today.

At 10.30am, I was blacking out the windows with sugar paper, and standing on my dresser which is about 4 feet off the ground. I stepped off the dresser and onto the plastic chair (that I've been using as a stepstool for years without incident) and noticed a long-lost hairclip that had fallen behind my dresser.

I was just thinking, "Hey cool! There it -," and the chair went out from under me.

Normally, I'm good at catching myself, having saved myself and Josh from a nasty fall a few weeks ago when irresponsible Malaysian shops left leaky aircond water on the floor. I managed to find a way to land on my knees, even though I was about to fall backwards.

This time, there was too much furniture in the way for my reflexes to right myself, and I was horribly helpless as gravity took control.

The chair flipped on its side and my whole weight came crashing down on its corner, jamming into my left buttock, making me bounce toward the bed so my head could take the rest of the impact when it cracked against a wooden beam cushioned inside the bedhead, and finally slamming my back on the floor.

I lay there are cried - in pain, and in fear. I didn't know how bad the damage was (but my back and neck were fragile enough with all the slipped disc problems, and I was afraid this had done them in) and I was afraid for Josh who was sleeping in the next room. What if I couldn't go to him?

This just made me more determined to show myself I was ok. Still went out to buy McD's for lunch, refuel the car, vacuum the room and take down the rest of the curtains.

But I had a lingering headache later in the afternoon, different from my usual sleep-deprivation migraines. And my neck was progressively getting worse. And I started to feel the excruciating pain in the places I had fallen. I could barely sit or roll on my left side, I was so sore.

Then I started feeling nauseous. This was starting to worry me.

Luckily, dad checked and said everything was ok, but to observe for vomiting and headaches.

I just felt the wind taken out of me. Although I still did lots of stuff, those were just the essentials. I had a lot more things planned for the day, and I just didn't have the heart to do them after this.

I felt like God was answering my earlier prayers about my mother's rage, and He was telling me to slow down for the sake of the family. So what if I'm not a great cook or super clean? The kids need me healthy, happy and ALIVE. Slow down!

Damn, now the fingers in my left hand have gone numb and feels sore like I've been flexing them all day. Having a bit of trouble typing with my left 3rd and 4th finger now. Please please be ok.

It's NOT normal for kids to cry at Kindy

The biggest challenge of raising a high-need kid like Condor 1 is knowing when to filter out well-meaning but damaging advice from others.

The pressure to treat him the way other kids are treated is immense, and I find myself doubting my instincts on a weekly basis. Usually when I'm exhausted, sick, there's a regression, or when people just don't understand the special care that's needed to raise a happy C1.

The most recent damaging advice received was that it's "ok to dump him in kindergarten and let him cry". That's how it's done with all the other kids.

Why the fuck did I listen? I knew he did not have the temperament for Ferberization, and kindergarten was NO exception.

When people give you seemingly simple advice on how to handle your high-need child, be sure to ask for a lot more details. Taking the kindy example :

If it's ok for him to cry, how LONG is it ok for him to cry? 

I belatedly realised that most kids will cry for a few minutes when the parents leave, but they are easily distracted by the teachers and they STOP.

When C1 had his kindy trauma, he was crying ALL FUCKING MORNING. From 8.30am till 12.00pm! It would stop for brief periods, then start again. That is NOT normal, and that is NOT ok. That's a sign that something's wrong, and you need to follow your instincts and not what some idiot told you.

Did you notice any change in his behaviour after starting kindy?

Lots of parents gloss over this VERY important point. They forget or they never notice the change in their kids after they're dumped unceremoniously in kindy.

Some kids learn to cope and adapt without much fuss. Some kids turn into total assholes, doing things they never did before as a way of acting out or expressing their feelings of abandonment. e.g. hitting, biting, wetting themselves even though they're potty trained.

I noticed the change in C1 immediately after his 1st day in the Trauma Kindy. He was withdrawn, didn't make much eye-contact, and had trouble controlling his bladder. I knew this meant trouble but I stuck it out for another 3 days, during which his behaviour got worse (wouldn't let me out of his sight, even in the house) and even his sleep was affected.

In this new kindy (Nakorn Sari), I'm happy to say that I've left him on his own twice now. I've been staying with him throughout class for a month (exhausted till I fell sick) and felt that it was time to start leaving him on his own. Especially since he seemed comfortable letting me out of his sight for long periods of time as he was absorbed in their activities.

The first time, he did cry, with big rolling tears. But I had prepared him for this moment, and assured him that I would be back at 12pm to pick him up. And I would never leave him without saying bye first (my rookie mistake at Trauma Kindy). He's used to this cue because he's learned to wait for Papa to come home from work at 7pm, so I decided it was the best way to go for him.

The teachers told me he cried till his body shook at first, but for the most part he was ok because they kept distracting him with things to do. Glad I chose the holiday programme to do this, as he loves the arts and crafts.

I was more interested in his behaviour when I came to pick him up.

I showed that I was happy to see him, but not "OMGMYPOORBABYCOMEISAVEYOUNOW!". That was good advice from the kindy owner Nancy Simon - she said when he comes to you, you must be assuring but non-challant, like "Hey, there. Wassup baby?". This allows him to pick up cues from you that this is not a scary place, because mommy is not scared for me or worried for me.

So, I'm glad to say that he was happy to see me, but he wasn't desperate to run away from the teachers or about to burst into tears. He also said the teachers were very nice to him, but I'm not sure if he was just echoing what I said. He did say he liked them. He didn't like the teacher in Trauma Kindy.

For the rest of the day, he also was very cheerful and talkative, and MORE independent than usual (feeding himself, getting out of the car etc....). He was very loving and affectionate, but NOT clingy.

That was a great sign.

Today is the second time he's been left there. LOTS of tears and wailing, and I could barely bring myself to leave. But I had to be strong, because I'd started already and I had to be consistent if I wanted him to learn to be independent in kindy, and trust his teachers to see to his needs.

I hid with Condor 2 till I saw he was distracted by the cars outside, and he stopped wailing. Then, with a heavy heart, I left.

When I came back, the poor fella had just finished 2 bowls of fried rice, and was shuffling his feet slowly and despondently on the floor mats. Again he was happy to see me and hugged me, but didn't look like he was holding in a flood of tears.

I pointed out that I was here at 12pm, as promised. He looked at the clock on the wall and declared with a smile, "The hand point at 12 o'clock!" You could see the thoughts in his head : mommy is here, she didn't leave me, I'm not so scared anymore, she won't leave me.

They had a birthday party and he was so excited he kept trying to blow out the boy's candles. He was the only kid who couldn't sit still, and kept getting scolded by the other kids when he couldn't contain himself and ran to the cake. When the cake was finally cut, he was jumping around for a piece and took his bowl to the birthday table and sat there without preamble.

He had trouble feeding the cake to himself and started asking for help. All the teachers were busy so he finally found a way to cut the piece and feed himself without dropping any. He kept asking for more. Had 2 helpings! Hahaha.

He was very happy to leave, and screamed an enthusiastic "BYEBYEEEE TEACHERRRR!" to any adult he saw. That's good because at the previous kindy, he just mumbled it robotically, the way an abused wife would kiss the cheek of a husband who had just slapped her.

Again, very affectionate at home, but not tearful or clingy. He was happy to see me, and I told him I was happy to see him. He listened to me, he was responsive, he told me he wanted to poo poo without releasing any in his pants, he was playful ....

THIS is what it's supposed to feel like when they slowly learn to be independent. I do hope it continues to go well!

Condor 1's Amazing Self Control

He did an impressive thing last week.

His cousin rammed him with the toy car while Condor 1 was playing by himself on the floor. It was painful, and obviously the hit was a shock to him since he didn't see it coming. So his instinctual reaction was to raise his hand angrily to hit his cousin.

But he stopped his own hand in midair, the little hand shaking a bit from the internal war, and kept saying to himself through gritted teeth : "Cannot ... hit ... Ethan"

That amount of self control for a toddler is BLOODY amazing.

So damn proud.

Milestones Update - Part 1

CONDOR 2 MILESTONES

27 Jan 2012 - 1st word. Hello

29 Jan 2012 - stood on his own

9 Feb 2012 - 1st time slept in own room. C1's room. Major hard shit n constipation. Started eating rice.

10 Feb 2012 - 2 more bottom teeth erupted. Can eat rice. Prefers adult food to porridge or cereal. Loves chicken.

13 Feb 2012 - Ate scoop of choc ice cream. Loved it.

8 Mar 2012 - 1st steps. Took 4 steps crossing from activity table to couch.

29 Mar 2012 - walking steadily n dramatically for 1st time in in laws' hse. Holding small 
book. Recovering from cough n fever. Only got sick about 3 times in his life so far.

12 Apr 2012 - can move from sit to stand without pulling up on furniture. Hands on floor, straightens legs, then raises trunk.

16 Apr 2012 - can get up from squat to stand without any support. No hands on floor.

21 May 2012 - transitioned to 1 nap a day. About 2 hours. Instead of 1.5 to 2 hrs in morning and 1 hour in afternoon.

26 May 2012 - 4 top molars and canines erupting. Can see bottom molars under swollen gums. Not sleeping well at all at night. Wakes crying.

5 June 2012 - last few weeks, wakes often. Even at naptime. Only sleeps 1 hour per nap now. Hard to calm when wake at night. Screams. Killing me with sleep deprivation. Today ate like a horse!

6 Jul 2012 - told me 'poo poo' n when i put him on toilet n made mm mm sounds, he strained n let out a load. So excited! Never repeated it again though, just like C1. He can still tell me he's about to 'poo poo' or has already gone though, but confuses actual poo with farting. So cute.


July 2012 - Has a "lovie". My breastpads. Loves to smell them for comfort. He knows what they are and keeps asking for his "Nen-nen" when it's bedtime. Will stick his hand down my shirt to grab it roughly if I don't give it in time. Sewed a used but cleaned one to C1's unused toy blankie (which C2 also rejected) and now he loves it. The old one I had sewed to it before didn't have my scent because it was machine washed, which is why he rejected it last time. Hugs it to sleep and sometimes when he wakes from his sleep, he will take a whiff and go back to sleep! OMG.


July 2012 - Can say "Mommy" very clearly. Started with him imitating am ambulance going "mee moh mee moh" so I kept encouraging him to say "Maaaa-meeee" and after a couple of weeks of irregular attempts, he started going, "Mah-meee" pausing between each syllable. Now it's a full on "Mommy!" and I sometimes can't tell if C2 or C1 is calling me. He confuses "Papa" and "Mommy" though, often referring to both of us with the same name.

July 2012 - Very violent when angry (take a toy away, end of shower etc...) and arches back and swings head or beats me or throws the nearest object. I suspect he's imitating me because I've been very moody the last few months. So I've tried being more nurturing and caring, even when he's beating me or headbutting me, and it's brought down some of the intensity, but still quite a ways to go.

CONDOR 2 MILESTONES

31 Dec 2011 - said 'i love you' unprompted for the 1st time. To papa.

24 Jan 2012 - pooed in potty by himself

April 2012 - takes 2 hours or more to sleep at night. No matter what we do. Still wakes once at night. Falls asleep easily at nap time, though - 15 to 30min.

Early June 2012 - finally getting easier to put to sleep at night. About 1 hour. Moved bath time first, cup of milk after bath. Took a few weeks for schedule to take.

July 2012 - Slept through the night many times. Goes down at 10pm - 11pm, then only wakes at 4am or 6am!! Wondering if the difference is he sees C2 being put in the bed next to him,  before he goes to sleep himself. He wants company. Even though C2 goes over after his first waking at 12am, he still thinks C2 is there. Can't wait for C2 to turn 2, so he's old enough to take James' knocks and they can share a bed!

July 2012 - Fed himself without prompting, on his first day in Nakorn Sari. It was sausages. The another day, fried kuey teow. It was just a matter of ensuring he had the right size spoon (not the stupid Ikea one, but the metal teaspoon) and bowl (Nestle Breakfast Cereal melamine bowls!). He's pretty good at it too.

It's Bloody Hard. Stop Beating Myself Up

I'm angry all the time. Ever since I've been alone at home with them 100%, it's the emotion I feel 99% of the time. I feel so guilty because I should be appreciating the beauty of parenthood and the cute little things they do and say. But I just feel angry and resentful. All. The. Time.

Think. Think. Why is this?

It's because I know several supermoms who've raised 2 kids all on their own, without grandparental help or maids. They did the laundry, housework, cooked creative and nutritious meals for the family (one of them even bakes bread daily, from scratch!) ... and their 2 kids are all grown, relatively well-behaved and ALIVE!! They also still love mommy very much, so I assume they're doing a bang up job of it.

I've always prided myself as a capable person. More than capable. So why can't I do this with more dignity and grace?!! My kids are gonna grow up hating me. All this pressure I'm putting on myself isn't helping. It just makes me angrier!

Calm down. Calm down. Think. Is it really a fair comparison?

This is hard for even the supermoms, but I also have to keep reminding myself that things really are harder for me at the moment because :

1. My kids can't put themselves to sleep. The other kids can.

This is a major one.

Both of mine still need me to either cuddle or bounce them to sleep, and obviously once they awaken in the middle of the night or afternoon nap, they can't go back to sleep without my help (although Condor 2 is slowly learning with his "breastpad blankie" - thank GOD!). Obviously this is a losgitical nightmare when Condor 2 still needed 2 naps a day and none of them coincided with Condor 1's nap timing.

And when both would wake from their naps at the same time, I would just sit there crying because I knew it was impossible to soothe both to sleep again (they are stimulated by each other's presence and want to play), and everything I had planned to finish doing was now going to remain undone.

This is partly my fault for practicing Attachment Parenting, and partly C1 for being a high-need baby so sleep training was just not possible with him.

So, at least 2 hours each day are spent putting the kids to sleep, or back to sleep. Time which could have been spent finishing up on cleaning, general house admin or cooking - if only I could just lock them in their room and let them fall asleep on their own.

They also don't sleep through the night. Both of them.. Yes, even 3-year old C1. Essentially I have been sleep-deprived and fucking grumpy for more than 3 fucking years.

2. My 3-year old refuses to feed himself

Not only do I have to cook, I have to process the food after cooking to make sure the kids can chew it (e.g. carrots must be squished, or they are just swallowed and come out whole when they lau sai), and then I have to FEED it to them. When do I get the time to cook for myself, or eat it?

I blamed myself at first till I remembered how C1 wouldn't even hold food, much less put it in his mouth when he was a toddler. I never saw him use his pincer grasp till he was almost 2 years old!!

I've recently discovered in kindergarten he's quite able to do it, but at home, he just doesn't want to. I have to cajole and force, and it just takes too much effort. Plus, he makes a mess, stains his clothes and never eats enough. So feed him I must. :(

C2, on the other hand, has been feeding himself quite well, if it's finger food like chicken. I can start him on spoons soon, if I have the energy. At least that will be one less child to worry about at mealtimes.

3.  Supermoms DO have help. 

They have part-time cleaners that come in once a week. Professional cleaners for the harder places like the windows outside the house. I've been trying to do all the cleaning on my own, whenever the kids are asleep, instead of taking some time out for myself to rest.

They use dryers for wet laundry, which is a huge time-saver compared to me having to wait for naptime before I can hang the clothes, take them in again if there's rain or the threat of it, then take them out again when the sun comes out, then check to see what's dry then take those in, and hang the still wet ones under the awning.

4. I DO have help.

Since mom has been overseas for the past 3 months, I've been trying too hard to go it alone in preparation of my future lifestyle. My MIL has been kind enough to let me send C1 over a few times a week so I can at least get my chores done, and she does offer the help of one of her maids with my cleaning (but I just don't feel comfortable with this one).

The Hubbie is more helpful than most, and I'm lucky he's so willing to help with the chores and take charge of C1 once he's back from a full day at work. He's very involved with the kids and their lives, always trying to find little ways to make my day better and cheer me up (e.g. taking us out for food on the weekend, ordering me the occasional margarita, fetching me a Coke) and it feels great to have such a strong partner who's got my back.

But somehow this just makes me feel worse because I shouldn't even be feeling stressed or angry if I have this much help. Sigh.

5. I have a part-time job, on top of my full-time one (the kids)

Yeah, I do it from the comfort of home, on my computer.
Yeah, I do it after the kids have been put to bed.
Yeah, it doesn't take up a huge chunk of time unless there's some major issue (and then it takes up a HUGE chunk of my night) or a particularly stupid, childish bitch is in charge of a project. But that's still time that I should be spending winding down, or doing chores I had not gotten to yet, or just relaxing after a hard day with a nice book or movie on the computer.


Plus, it's a job that's counter to my personality - dealing with customer complaints. Thank God I don't have to contact customers directly, just respond to their social media comments. But people on the internet are real childish assholes because of the anonymity of the medium, and they try with all their might to bait a reaction that they can share with the world. Taking in all that negativity right before bed really sucks and it will affect my equanimity and sleep.  

6. I have a High-Need kid

One of them is like having 2 or more kids. So, at best, I'm actually dealing with 3 kids ... At worst, it feels like I have 10. From the forums I've been reading, one high-need kid can sometimes be enough to destroy a marriage, because they just take so much out of you.

What's more, this one still can't be dropped off at Kindy because every major change like this is met with great resistance, soiled pants, sleepless nights, lots of tantrums and sometimes cognitive or behavioral regression. I have to be with him the whole time (with C2 in tow) which means NOTHING in the house can be done in the morning, nor in the afternoon because I am just so damn knackered.

Toilet training was such a nightmare, I'm still trying to block the pain of it out. At least now he can tell me he wants to poo, though he still routinely spots his underwear with wee. Better than flooding the floor like last time.

7.  I can't cook for shit

My time alone in Australia & Penang was full of unhealthy sausage-filling-and-potato casseroles, microwave dinners, meat pies (yum), instant pasta and eating char kuey teow in a hawker centre. Not the best diet to feed a growing family.

I had to learn when I had C1, and it's been a stressful and scary process because I don't like ruining and wasting food. I'm no domestic goddess that can whip things up at a moment's notice. And I'm constantly worried I'm going to give them food poisoning, or stunt their growth with my lack of nutritious creativity. Gotta keep working at it.

8. The house is too damn big

There's just too damn much surface area to get dirty and to have to clean. When we get our own place, I want a small single-level place with 3-bedrooms and 2 bathrooms.

Yeah, I could leave the place dirty for awhile, but more than a week goes by without a vacuum or mop, you can draw portraits in the dust and The Husband gets coughing and sneezing spells because he's allergic. Also .... read the next point. 

9. The bloody Fauna

Week-old dust attracts invisible creatures that bite the kids at night, the bites can sometimes be so bad they interrupt sleep (theirs, and ours) and leave scars. No, they're not bed bugs. I don't know what the fuck they are. No, it's not psychosomatic!!

Then there's the lizards, ants and cockroaches (luckily not so much of these anymore) who are attracted by an unmopped floor that has drops of spilled soup / food from kids struggling at mealtime. Even when the fucking floor is clean the damn lizards carpet bomb my floor, tables and kids' toys with their fucking shit. I hate them so damn much. Why are there so many of them?! They crawl over EVERY fucking thing in the house!

Then there's the fucking magpies who've decided to make nests outside the kids' room so they wake them with their loud chirping, and carpet bomb our cars with their shit even though the cars are in the damn porch!!

Then there are the bees and the wasps who keep trying to build a nest on my clothesline, or within my laundry area. So hanging clothes are usually a hazard.

Then there's the fucking mozzies. I can never bring the kids out to the garden or to the playground because there are mozzies everywhere. I'm always under house arrest.

Then there's the neighbour's fucking dog who barks (at nothing!!) for extended periods of time, and usually at the times of day that my kids are sleeping. It's bark is so damn loud it's like it's standing outside my kid's window!! The neighbour has received many complaints already, not just from me, but they are deaf and don't seem to give a shit. I really hope they get raped by rabid goats, then by their own stupid dog.

Then now there are all those robberies and muggings and kidnappings in the parking lots of popular malls! I can't even go out during the weekdays anymore for fear of my kids' safety. I'm so sick of staying at home. I feel like a goddamn prisoner!! What the hell is wrong with this damn country?!

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Ok, I meant to end this on an optimistic and positive note, but it's just turned into a long whine and rant. Sigh.

I just have to stop beating myself up when an extra ball gets thrown into the bunch I'm already juggling.  Like right now, I'm down with cough and cold, and C2 is recovering from a high fever. I'm still very tired.

I'm human. Give myself a break. Don't expect so much of myself. Take it one sticky step at a time!!!

Stomach Flu - How To Deal With It

Everytime the kids come down with a bout of this, I panic and forget what I need to do to help them get through it.

So I'm writing it down for my future reference!

- They get stomach cramps, especially after eating, because the food can't digest.

- They can't eat or drink anything, at least at the beginning. So small amounts of easily digestible food, like noodles with soup (all cut up), cereal, porridge, maggi chicken, OR dry food like crackers, Japanese rice crackers, toast (white bread) with butter & jam. Meat like chicken should be ok, but gotta mash it up so digesting is easy.

- If having diahorrea, avoid dairy products like milk, yogurt and formula, though cheese and vitagen seems to be ok. Go figure.

- Remember to use BRAT (Bananas, Rice, Apple sauce, Toast) for Day 1 at least, then try the regular food for remaining days so they don't get malnourished.  

- Within Day 1 - 3, even if they are hungry, you should feed moderately. Maybe half to 3-quarters their usual food intake. Don't let them wolf down the food or that bottle of Vitagen. It is likely to come up again.

- Hydrate them! But give little sips of water at a time, but often. Wolfing it down will make them puke again.

- Let them drink porridge water if they're willing to take it. Or barley water.

If there's any more that I remember, I will continue to update.

High-Need Child, Exhausted Parents

I really thought I'd be able to send James to kindy soon. I really did. I was so looking forward to it. All those exhausting months of toilet-training, just to get him ready.

But now, it's like I'm toilet training him again. All the angst, and worry and stress. One step forward, 2 steps back. Why can't he just go to kindy like the other kids? Why why why? Why do I have to take so many more precautions and prepare so much more than other parents? Why why why?

Because he's a high-needs child. It started from my majorly fucked up vomiting pregnancy where no one understood and I suffered alone (except for my husband) and had no support, only criticism and judgement. Guess the pregnancy was preparing me for the isolation of being a parent to a high-needs child.

I just want to break down and cry. Just when I thought I could have a few hours of peace in a day (to do chores, mind you, not even to read a book or whatever), it's snatched away from me thanks to Kindergarten Trauma.

Now he's had a look at Nakornsari, and it seemed to go pretty well since he loved all the toys there. He liked the place. He said he wanted to come back.

Then I checked with him again in the evening, and he said he didn't want to go anymore. Maybe I shouldn't have left him at my MIL's. He was being very sticky today.

I wish I understood what was going through his head. I don't know what to do. Every time I think I have a handle on him, he changes things around and I'm left surfing the net late into the night to find out what went wrong.

And the sleep. OMG. Why can't you just sleep like the other kids? Still not sleeping through the night, but that's not so bad since he will sleep if daddy's next to him.

Establish a routine? BAH! What routine?! Things that worked 6 months before don't work anymore. It keeps changing. We keep having to figure out new ways to calm him to sleep. Returning to the old routine is like the adage "Insanity is doing the same thing again and again but expecting a different result".

I can't even finish this post because he's just woken up again, crying for some mythical train even though he's already holding them. Oh please God. Give me back my sanity....