Monday, 16 July 2007

Destined to be Bad Cop

Being in an MNC means you have to "leverage" people to get things done, rather than you do things yourself. Which means, all the energy you would have expended in a smaller company to get things done on your own, is now spent driving the people in the dept set up to "help" you achieve your objectives.

If those people are good - I'm a happy camper.

If those people are numbskulls - I'll be nice the first few times. But when mistakes are repeated, and I have to constantly provide solutions for problems created by the very people who are put there to solve my problems, AND those people don't seem to give a damn about doing the job they're being paid to do .... I'll fuck them up.

Because I'm willing to fuck them up, I'm given the task of fucking people up all the time. So people who dare not fuck people up even though they need to fuck people up, get me to fuck people up, too. I'll stand in for fucking people up, but only up to a point, then I say fuck you to the chicken shit people who don't have the balls to stand up for themselves.

I've been hearing what people say about me, and although nothing is direct, it still makes me sad. No one likes to be disliked. It's hard to be confrontational and aggressive. But all that I do is with the intention of getting my job done.

I tell myself to be calm, let things go, let it slide ---- But when I see something that's not right, I forget my resolutions and the fighter cock comes out. I hate fighting. It's hard to be running at 200km/h all the time.

But, I do it because my dad has shown me that sometimes you have to do hard things, to do the right thing.

And it doesn't make you popular.

From the way things are going, I'm probably going to be Bad Cop when I have kids too. The thought of a lifetime of confrontation makes me want to run, run, run away and hide somewhere that no one can find me.

Everyone seems to think I ENJOY arguing and fighting. Just because I dare to do it, doesn't mean I enjoy it. My unease at being disliked is far outweighed by my sense of justice when I see something wrong. I hate fighting. I hate arguing. It is stressful. I've aged 10 years since joining this company I think. I'm tired. Tired of fighting. Tired of being disliked. Tired of pushing people who have no pride in their own work.

I know my motivations for doing what I do, and I know they are often necessary.
But it doesn't make doing them any easier.
And it doesn't take away the pain of being disliked.

The only consolation is that I can go to bed knowing that I tried my best to do what was right. And for that, I hope I can sleep a little easier tonight.

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