Melbourne Recce : Impressions

It's been almost 15 years since I've lived in Australia, and I was worried I remembered everything with rose-tinted glasses on. Plus, I was single, and had no kids or family to worry about - just myself. I loved every minute of being in Adelaide. But would it be the same today?

Since we had to activate our visa with this initial trip to Melbourne, I decided to jot down my latest impressions as a mom, wife and adult who's already eaten a bit of salt in her working life.

MY MELBOURNE OBSERVATIONS :

- Fresh food (fruits, veggies), packaged foods and generally everything in retail are really expensive! I had the impression they were cheaper than in Malaysia and was SOOO looking forward to experimental cooking with cheap, high quality foods. The good news is that during the sales / offers at Woolies and Coles, they become ridiculously cheap. So gotta buy and freeze and hoard.

- Meat (beef, lamb, pork, chicken) are cheaper, even after conversion! Hooray!

- If you're earning in Oz dollars, everything is more affordable than in Malaysia. Your buying power is higher here because prices are almost dollar for dollar e.g. Fuel is RM1.90 in Malaysia, and AUD1.30 in Oz. So are salaries e.g. RM4k in Msia and for the same job, you'll probably earn AUD4k too.

- Pampers are ridiculous. AUD33 vs RM46 !!! No Mamy Poko, only Huggies so far. Thank God Josh is ok with using this brand. We have to ship a ton from home, and start potty training Joshua ASAP.

- King beds are non-existent. Mainly Queen beds due to small bedroom sizes, and they are about a foot longer than the Queen beds in Msia. All our bedsheets won't fit. Shit. No point buying quilts from home because they won't fit and won't be thick enough.

- Using dryers are bloody expensive. They take 2 hours of electricity-draining hot air to dry a small load. Dang. May still have to line dry the laundry.

- You can get sunburned (red face, not peeling yet) after walking in the morning sun for 1 hour. Sunblock is always a must.

- The water isn't as hard as it was in Adelaide. My hands didn't dry that much when I did washing, didn't really start cracking or hurting, and should be fine with regular moisturiser. Water can be drunk from the tap, but tastes a bit weird due to fluoride. Found out fluoride is really toxic and can reduce IQ over time. Can only get rid of it via reverse osmosis, and even then it's not all. Can't escape it since all water there is fluoridated, and bottled water is bloody bloody expensive there it seems.

- No more watching movies for us. Tickets are now AUD20 instead of AUD8 that I used to pay in Adelaide. OMG.

- Gotta get the kids used to other yogurts, because Petit Miam is more expensive than Malaysia after conversion. Dutch Lady UHT milk doesn't exist, so I gotta introduce fresh milk to them now. Kids are also ok with meat pies, which is VERY good news.

- My little chinamen need their rice. They can't put in much of the gwailo food. Get full really fast on the proteins. Condor 2 actually liked eating the steamed cauliflower and carrots there, without needed to mash it into the rice. The veggies are really sweet and yummy.

- Avocadoes and salmon are NOT cheap. But, gotta wait for the sales. Hoard, hoard, HOARD!

- I should ship my own stationery, since I already have so much here at home. Expensiveeee.

- Very expensive to eat out, if you convert. But it's almost dollar for dollar as when we eat out in Malaysia. e.g. dinner in an expensive celebrity chef restaurant for 4 adults + 2 kids came up to AUD120. Not so bad if you're earning money there. But the simple meals are really costly, as nothing under AUD10. Fish & Chips are AUD10, and good sandwiches can be about AUD15. McD can also come up to AUD25 for 3 adults + 2 kids. Good news is there are plenty of microwave dinners (Weight Watchers) and frozen pies, so even if we eat at home all the time, I don't need to panic if I can't cook dinner everyday. Pies are like AUD5 for a pack of 4, so yay!

- Tax is ridiculous. Very easy to hit the 45% tax bracket. At least we actually benefit from our tax money there.

- The boyz sleep very well in this weather, even though it was summer. Either that, or they're really tired. They could sleep more than 2 hours uninterrupted! WOOHOO! But C2 is still very hot stuff, and sweats in his sleep (back of head and neck, and his pillow, are drenched) even on the cold days, and at night, even though he's just wearing a short-sleeved T-shirt and diapers!

- There are a disappointingly high number of Asians in the Boxhill / Mont Albert area, mainly people from China, since they are all conversing in sharp and and hissy Mandarin. They also brought their unpleasant social behaviour with them e.g. not waiting for people to alight a train before they barged on board, only mixing among themselves and not with the locals, sprawling themselves all over the seat on the train so that others won't take the vacant seats opposite them etc.... Me no likee. Didn't run across many Malaysians or Singaporeans.

- Australians (caucasians) kept staring at me and Papa Condor wherever we went. Not with hostility, but with a mix of interest and curiosity. They were also really friendly, and ready to engage. At first, I thought that it was because I was so exotic and gorgeous, despite my mommy fats, that they couldn't help but stare. But later, we surmised that it was because we looked Asian, but not typically Chinese. And we conversed in English, and so did our kids. Not in Mandarin. Our accents were not Indian, Hongkie nor Pinoy, so they must be wondering what the hell we were. You can see how their initial expressions (which are a little guarded) melt into friendly ones the minute they hear us speaking English to each other.

- Australia Day is a bad day to go out. 2 pimply punk-ass teenagers snubbed me and the kids, choosing to take the stairs rather than wait for the lift with us. I had smiled at them (since everyone to that point had been super friendly and chatty), but didn't return it and looked away, saying loudly after they had passed, "Get out of the country!" I was shocked, then replied loudly, "Assholes!" In-bred dickwads.
This experience ruined the trip for me because if I can get this treatment 4 days into a short holiday, what happens if I extrapolate it into 40 years of making a life here?!? How will my boyz be treated, growing up? Will they be bullied, or will they be accepted? Taking my previous bullet point into this analysis, it's possible that the hostility to Asians is due to their unwillingness to assimilate into the society they've joined - if that's the case, we should be fine since we are as Western-minded and eager to assimilate as they come. We can't even speak Chinese. We love the Australian way of life and plan to fully embrace it and have plenty of Aussie friends (if we can) and not just stick to our own people.

- They have DAISO and CRABTREE here! WOOHOO! But must go to the big malls like Westfield. The others only have small-time or local brands. And Daiso seems to be AUD3 per item, not AUD2 like the 2 dollar Oz shops. Oh can someone please bring Uniqlo to Melbourne??

-  The most fantastic beautiful weather for exercise and outdoor play with the kids. Even when it's hot, the cold wind makes the heat non-existent (dangerous without sunblock, as you burn without realising) and you don't SWEAT! Oh joy! No more sweating!!! Although I did sweat since we are struggling with 2 demon boyz, one hour of struggling produces a light misting of sweat, not the torrential sticky mess you get in KL after 1min of struggling. It's sort of a similar comparison when you talk about rain in Melbourne.

- The sun goes down at 8.30pm-ish. So we have such a huge window for taking the kids out to the playground, and not have to worry about the dark, muggers, or Aedes mosquitoes. Although their mozzies are quite big and itchy too, as the only existing mozzie in a 5-kilometre radius can always somehow find ME to bite me all over the place.

- Safe to leave things unattended. Garage doors can be left open, without worry that people will walk into the ungated yard and swipe your shit. For once, I didn't constantly worry about keeping my pouch in front of me for fear of pickpockets. I could comfortably carry Joshua, with my pouch dangling safely behind me, instead of Joshua using it as a foothold to rock-climb the front of my body.

- The air is very dry, and C2 drank tons of water. He went thru diapers like crazy. His skin is also too sensitive to the air, and he had dry skin or some sort of eczema all over the parts that were exposed to the air (calves). Condor 1 got it on his cheeks. Windburn, maybe? I have to moisturise the boyz like mad before every outing. But at least I won't be sweating buckets each time I put the lotion on, or have to worry that the lotion will burn their face or neck, or that it's stinks or that it's toxic if they accidentally get some in their mouths or eyes (the thing I hate the most in Msia is putting on heavy-duty mozzie lotion each time we go out). Lip balm is a must.

- Woolies lasagnia is very very nice!

- General consensus when talking to people living here is that there is a racial ceiling. Caucasians will always be chosen for management positions over the Asians, or so we've been told, but that's if you're looking at promotions within the country and not cross-country transfers within the same company. I'm still not 100% sure about it being a skin colour thing. I have a suspicion it's an industry and language thing. Some industries will be harder for non-Aussies, usually the more corporate or political ones, like banking, finance, consultancy etc... But for industries like video games, it's super multicultural and it's run like a meritocracy. Onto language, people will never want to promote someone who can't communicate as well as their closest competitor. Come on, even I won't do that here if I was the boss. Also, if you're still speaking in an accent that makes it hard for the other Aussies to understand you, it makes you a less appealing candidate. So I gotta put on my Aussie voice if I wanna get back into the corporate world. But I'm not into the rat race anymore, so I guess that's a moot worry.

- Education is STILL very expensive, even if you're a Permanent Resident. State Schools will still cost you AUD4k, which is about the same as a private education in Malaysia. FUCK la. Not yet enter University also so expensive already. Feel really depressed now. Kindy is semi-subsidised, so it's about AUD400 a term. About half of what kindies here cost, but that's only for 2 days a week whereas Msia is for 5 days a week! So I guess the cost is the same. WTF am I doing going to Oz?!?!?!?!?  Oh yeah, education is in English and quality of life will be better, and we will be physically safer from all the crime. I really hope this move is the right one for us.
http://m.theage.com.au/data-point/private-fees-mount-as-education-costs-soar-20130124-2d8c4.html

- Kindies are very play-based. Unlike here, where 3-4 year old kids are already pressured to learn how to read, write, use phonics - the kids this age are still encouraged to learn via play. They don't teach the kids to read or write alphabets / numbers till they are 5, when they go to Prep School. Then they start Year 1 at 6 years old! I think C1 will thrive better in such a system, but I hope we can get him into a school in time for him to benefit! So rushed!!

- Gardens are a must, by law! Every house must have a certain ratio allotted to a garden, and you must upkeep it and remove all the constant weeds or you can get fined. Also, you can't just cut down a tree cuz it's pissing you off, even if it's on your property. You need permission from the council and you gotta plant a new one to replace it. Guess we should create a herb or veggie garden to make all the effort of weeding worth it. At least you're growing something you can use, and not just pretty, useless flowers.

- Papa Condor is awesome at his job and will always be in demand. But I'm a bit worried for myself now. Will I be awesome enough? I know I am awesome, but it's been so long since I've had to show it professionally. God, please help guide me.

- Property is ridiculously expensive. And the rental is low, so no way you can make up for the repayments by earnings from rental. AUD500k on average for a 2 bedroom house in a moderately good area. AUD1million and above for apartments nearer to or in the CBD. Scared if we buy a place now, property value will drop next year, since they are predicting a bit of an economic downturn, and we lose out. Please God, guide us to choose well.

- I will hopefully lose weight. It's too expensive to overeat and gorge myself here.

CONCLUSION :

I had this impression of Australia being the solution to all our problems, and boy have my eyes been opened. Things are not much better there, in terms of cost of living and salary. The consumerism we enjoyed in Malaysia will not be as easily enjoyed there if we want to save money, but overall quality of life is better due to the culture, laws, weather, people, mindset and WEATHER (did I stress that one enough?). Education will hopefully prove to be better. I really hope and pray for this one, since there seems to be no cost savings.

I'm also reminded of the unpleasantness I had to brush off while in Adelaide (the racist fellas telling us to "Go back to Asia"), but we are getting that in Malaysia more and more now thanks to the politicians and stupid brainwashing happening in local universities, so if we're gonna be treated as second-class citizens, better it be in a country where your rights are actually safeguarded by the government.

All in all, the experience removed the rose-tint from my memories and my assumptions, but I'm still surprisingly optimistic about the move. That's a big thing, considering my penchant for preparing for the worst. I'm 90% sure we will be happy there. Fingers crossed :)

How To Gently Introduce Your Toddler To Kindergarten

STEP 1 :
Dump him into the kindergarten of your first choice, prepared to stay there the whole day, only to have him wave bye-bye to you and disappear around the corner without a care in the world.

STEP 2 :
Discover 1 week later how much he hates the kindergarten, and you have to pull him out before it creates irreparable psychological damage due to the insensitive, asshole teacher in charge of his young toddler mind. Lucky we only lose the deposit and not the term fees.

STEP 3 :  
Wait for a month to let him recover, all the while trying to brainwash him with books or videos about how fun school is. Let him choose a water bottle or something personal that is specifically for his school, and tell him it's for school.

STEP 4 :
Take him to your 2nd choice kindy, and explain your previous difficulties to the new teacher / principal and ask them to be patient with him and not force him into anything. Be ignored by them the first few times, until they see how much he cries each time he loses sight of you, then be taken seriously. Now you can tell them for real what you need them to do for your son.

STEP 5 :
Stay with him the whole session, bringing your second child with you because you can't leave him alone at home. Sweat to death the entire time because you are busy chasing both boys around the kindy and trying to get them to sit down and listen to the teacher or participate. Occasionally chasing around one of the other kindy kids, to be helpful to the teachers and hopefully inspire them to be patient with my own kids. Take lots of pictures and see how patient teachers are with him.

STEP 6 :
Fall horribly sick the next day due to all the heat and stress, develop killer sore throat, which morphs into horrible wet cough in the next few days and lasts for more than a month. The kids too. Reduce the number of days you go to kindy from 4 days/week to 2 days/week because your body just can't take it. Especially since you still have to take care of the household chores, cleaning, cooking, laundry etc... after you've spent the whole exhausting morning there with the 2 kids. Lunch is impossible to cook, unless I wake up really early that morning to make the soup before we leave. Most of the time, mommy will go hungry because she only has enough time to cook lunch for the kids, and none for herself. Some of the times, mommy will tapau KFC for everyone, and on those days, mommy will feel human again.

STEP 7 :
Keep this up for 2 exhausting months. Made worse by the fact that the timing runs into the biggest crime month of the year, Ramadhan. Add the stress from the constant fear of being car jacked, robbed, snatch thefted, slashed in front of your home, smash-and-grabbed, home invaded etc... to the mix, as friends and family around you are victims of such crime during that month. 

STEP 8 :
Discover what your kid enjoys, which is art and craft. And wait for the holiday programme, which is intensive art and crafts, and start warning him that you can't follow him to school anymore. Follow him for 3-days into the holiday programme. Then tell him he'll be staying on his own the next day, and that the teachers will be taking care of him after that. Mommy needs to go home and clean the house and cook his food, and she will be back to fetch him at 12 o'clock - show him where the hands go on the clock.

STEP 9 :
Drop off second kid with mother in law. Leave eldest in school on the last day of the week, so you have the weekend to reassure him and bond with him. Steel yourself for tears and wailing. There will be a lot of it. Be firm, do not show him that you are worried. It's no big deal. Show him the clock on the wall and tell him that mommy will be back to fetch him at 12 o'clock. Leave your number with the teacher and tell them to call you if he's been crying non-stop for more than 30 minutes. Wait around outside the classroom, hidden, listening to him wail and wring your hands helplessly. See the teacher finally manage to distract him with something, then make your getaway, and continue hand wringing at home, keeping your phone (which never rings) close to you in case. Pick him up before classes end, see him beaming at the sight of you, hug him happily (but do not show him your anxiety) and point to the clock and show him that it's 12 o'clock and mommy is here as promised. Do this each time. Be surprised that he's quite cheery the rest of the day, compared to his shutdown behaviour from the previous kindy.

STEP 10 :
Spend lots of quality time over the weekend, talking about how good the teachers were to him and assuring him that they will take care of him, and that he should learn to ask them for help if he can't do something. Help him to make "Thank you" cards for the teachers, with their names on it, and buy some Hershey kisses to go with them.

STEP 10 :
Get him to hand deliver each thank you card & chocolate to all his teachers. Continue leaving him there, telling him you're going out to cook, will be back at 12 o'clock - then leave and listen to him wail until he gets distracted, all the while holding 2nd child and hiding behind the wall. But the wailing is less and less now.

STEP 11 :
After 2 weeks of leaving him there with bated breath (minus some days he had to stay home because he's always catching something), he starts waving happily at you and saying, "Bye bye mommy!" when you drop him off, and you can finally start making plans in the mornings he goes to kindy!

STEP 12 :
A little hiccup as the wailing starts again when the new term begins, because he hates the structured learning and lessons. But stand firm and leave him there. He will be ok.

It's NOT normal for kids to cry at Kindy

The biggest challenge of raising a high-need kid like Condor 1 is knowing when to filter out well-meaning but damaging advice from others.

The pressure to treat him the way other kids are treated is immense, and I find myself doubting my instincts on a weekly basis. Usually when I'm exhausted, sick, there's a regression, or when people just don't understand the special care that's needed to raise a happy C1.

The most recent damaging advice received was that it's "ok to dump him in kindergarten and let him cry". That's how it's done with all the other kids.

Why the fuck did I listen? I knew he did not have the temperament for Ferberization, and kindergarten was NO exception.

When people give you seemingly simple advice on how to handle your high-need child, be sure to ask for a lot more details. Taking the kindy example :

If it's ok for him to cry, how LONG is it ok for him to cry? 

I belatedly realised that most kids will cry for a few minutes when the parents leave, but they are easily distracted by the teachers and they STOP.

When C1 had his kindy trauma, he was crying ALL FUCKING MORNING. From 8.30am till 12.00pm! It would stop for brief periods, then start again. That is NOT normal, and that is NOT ok. That's a sign that something's wrong, and you need to follow your instincts and not what some idiot told you.

Did you notice any change in his behaviour after starting kindy?

Lots of parents gloss over this VERY important point. They forget or they never notice the change in their kids after they're dumped unceremoniously in kindy.

Some kids learn to cope and adapt without much fuss. Some kids turn into total assholes, doing things they never did before as a way of acting out or expressing their feelings of abandonment. e.g. hitting, biting, wetting themselves even though they're potty trained.

I noticed the change in C1 immediately after his 1st day in the Trauma Kindy. He was withdrawn, didn't make much eye-contact, and had trouble controlling his bladder. I knew this meant trouble but I stuck it out for another 3 days, during which his behaviour got worse (wouldn't let me out of his sight, even in the house) and even his sleep was affected.

In this new kindy (Nakorn Sari), I'm happy to say that I've left him on his own twice now. I've been staying with him throughout class for a month (exhausted till I fell sick) and felt that it was time to start leaving him on his own. Especially since he seemed comfortable letting me out of his sight for long periods of time as he was absorbed in their activities.

The first time, he did cry, with big rolling tears. But I had prepared him for this moment, and assured him that I would be back at 12pm to pick him up. And I would never leave him without saying bye first (my rookie mistake at Trauma Kindy). He's used to this cue because he's learned to wait for Papa to come home from work at 7pm, so I decided it was the best way to go for him.

The teachers told me he cried till his body shook at first, but for the most part he was ok because they kept distracting him with things to do. Glad I chose the holiday programme to do this, as he loves the arts and crafts.

I was more interested in his behaviour when I came to pick him up.

I showed that I was happy to see him, but not "OMGMYPOORBABYCOMEISAVEYOUNOW!". That was good advice from the kindy owner Nancy Simon - she said when he comes to you, you must be assuring but non-challant, like "Hey, there. Wassup baby?". This allows him to pick up cues from you that this is not a scary place, because mommy is not scared for me or worried for me.

So, I'm glad to say that he was happy to see me, but he wasn't desperate to run away from the teachers or about to burst into tears. He also said the teachers were very nice to him, but I'm not sure if he was just echoing what I said. He did say he liked them. He didn't like the teacher in Trauma Kindy.

For the rest of the day, he also was very cheerful and talkative, and MORE independent than usual (feeding himself, getting out of the car etc....). He was very loving and affectionate, but NOT clingy.

That was a great sign.

Today is the second time he's been left there. LOTS of tears and wailing, and I could barely bring myself to leave. But I had to be strong, because I'd started already and I had to be consistent if I wanted him to learn to be independent in kindy, and trust his teachers to see to his needs.

I hid with Condor 2 till I saw he was distracted by the cars outside, and he stopped wailing. Then, with a heavy heart, I left.

When I came back, the poor fella had just finished 2 bowls of fried rice, and was shuffling his feet slowly and despondently on the floor mats. Again he was happy to see me and hugged me, but didn't look like he was holding in a flood of tears.

I pointed out that I was here at 12pm, as promised. He looked at the clock on the wall and declared with a smile, "The hand point at 12 o'clock!" You could see the thoughts in his head : mommy is here, she didn't leave me, I'm not so scared anymore, she won't leave me.

They had a birthday party and he was so excited he kept trying to blow out the boy's candles. He was the only kid who couldn't sit still, and kept getting scolded by the other kids when he couldn't contain himself and ran to the cake. When the cake was finally cut, he was jumping around for a piece and took his bowl to the birthday table and sat there without preamble.

He had trouble feeding the cake to himself and started asking for help. All the teachers were busy so he finally found a way to cut the piece and feed himself without dropping any. He kept asking for more. Had 2 helpings! Hahaha.

He was very happy to leave, and screamed an enthusiastic "BYEBYEEEE TEACHERRRR!" to any adult he saw. That's good because at the previous kindy, he just mumbled it robotically, the way an abused wife would kiss the cheek of a husband who had just slapped her.

Again, very affectionate at home, but not tearful or clingy. He was happy to see me, and I told him I was happy to see him. He listened to me, he was responsive, he told me he wanted to poo poo without releasing any in his pants, he was playful ....

THIS is what it's supposed to feel like when they slowly learn to be independent. I do hope it continues to go well!

High-Need Child, Exhausted Parents

I really thought I'd be able to send James to kindy soon. I really did. I was so looking forward to it. All those exhausting months of toilet-training, just to get him ready.

But now, it's like I'm toilet training him again. All the angst, and worry and stress. One step forward, 2 steps back. Why can't he just go to kindy like the other kids? Why why why? Why do I have to take so many more precautions and prepare so much more than other parents? Why why why?

Because he's a high-needs child. It started from my majorly fucked up vomiting pregnancy where no one understood and I suffered alone (except for my husband) and had no support, only criticism and judgement. Guess the pregnancy was preparing me for the isolation of being a parent to a high-needs child.

I just want to break down and cry. Just when I thought I could have a few hours of peace in a day (to do chores, mind you, not even to read a book or whatever), it's snatched away from me thanks to Kindergarten Trauma.

Now he's had a look at Nakornsari, and it seemed to go pretty well since he loved all the toys there. He liked the place. He said he wanted to come back.

Then I checked with him again in the evening, and he said he didn't want to go anymore. Maybe I shouldn't have left him at my MIL's. He was being very sticky today.

I wish I understood what was going through his head. I don't know what to do. Every time I think I have a handle on him, he changes things around and I'm left surfing the net late into the night to find out what went wrong.

And the sleep. OMG. Why can't you just sleep like the other kids? Still not sleeping through the night, but that's not so bad since he will sleep if daddy's next to him.

Establish a routine? BAH! What routine?! Things that worked 6 months before don't work anymore. It keeps changing. We keep having to figure out new ways to calm him to sleep. Returning to the old routine is like the adage "Insanity is doing the same thing again and again but expecting a different result".

I can't even finish this post because he's just woken up again, crying for some mythical train even though he's already holding them. Oh please God. Give me back my sanity....

Kindergarten Trauma

We sent James to Tadika Diyana on 11 June, the first day of school, and his first day in school EVER. Chris took leave so we could experience this big moment together, and were prepared to stay there the whole session in case he was sticky. Knowing my son, I knew he'd be fine because of the novelty of the class. It would be the next week that he'd be REALLY sticky.

I was right. He ran into class without a backward glance, while we stood outside wringing our hands and wondered why we were more anxious than him.  Even when he came out to go to another class, he saw us and looked away, more interested in where he was going than running to us.

We went home, shoulders slumped, feeling scared and depressed at leaving him there on his own. Would he be ok on his own? Would the teacher understand his needs and not push too hard? Would he be able to escape if a gunman got through security? All these worries and feelings. We cried on the way home. Stupid.

We went early to pick him and he looked frowny and upset, and couldn't wait to jump into Papa's arms. We thought it was normal separation anxiety. (PS : Joshua didn't give a shit that we were gone and happily stayed in the Neneh's house, like he'd been living there all the while)

2nd DAY

I went early so I could talk to the teacher and explain James' sensitivity, and how his development had halted when I went back to work, and only when I stopped work to have Joshua could I spend the time to SLOWLY and PAINFULLY bring him out of his shell again. I told her to be very patient with him. She was barely listening and attributed it to 1st time kindy blues. I was really pissed at her apathy, because I worked really hard to bring James to where he was, and a uncaring teacher could just screw it all up and leave me to pick up the pieces --- again!!!

He still seemed very teary and upset when I came to pick him. Teacher seemed annoyed he couldn't really feed himself (he's 3, come on!) and couldn't hold his penis to pee standing (he always preferred to sit, in our house, because he doesn't want his hands to get dirty). I said that he prefers to sit, but she insisted that he had to pee standing up. He had refused to pee the whole day, it seems. An alarming sign because his potty training is the first thing to go when he's very upset. When I took him to the kindy toilet, I had to make sure the toilet was clear of pee before he would go - then a LOT came out. Can't believe he held it all in.

He spent the whole day being very withdrawn and quiet, the way he is when he's been scolded. Since we yelled at him last night (sleep deprivation) we tried to chalk it up to him being mad at us. He wouldn't say a word about kindy. I started having doubts already, as the teacher didn't seem very patient with him.

I spoke to the headmistress and she was a lot more understanding, and asked me to talk to the teacher again, this time after class. The HM recognised that James was a high-need child (I didn't have to tell her) - which made me feel better. Issue was, this teacher was leaving in 2 mths to get married. What hope could I have of getting her to care?!

3rd DAY
He was skipping to kindy, but screamed when I took him to his class. He refused to go. Luckily, the class had gone to the Hall, and I took him there instead. He was anxious. The teacher took him before I could say goodbye, and James kept looking for me, so I went to him to say a proper goodbye. He refused to let go of me, so I followed them to cooking class - thinking it was interesting enough for him to ignore me and I could move on. I told him I was making a phone call, and when I came back, he was whining for me. Teacher told me to go, or she will not be able to control him. I didn't feel good, because he was expecting me to come back and the betrayal would cause him to lose trust next time.

I came back early to sit outside the class, and heard him calling for mommy every 10 minutes. I was horrified. Was he doing this all morning? I peeked and he was sitting in the corner of the class, holding his bag, his back facing the kids. So heart-breaking. When he came out, his eyes were swollen and the area under his nose was red and raw from being rubbed all morning.

Seriously. How the hell do you rub a kid's nose till it looks like this?!

Teacher said she had a very hard time with him because he was crying for me the whole way, refused to pee, and wouldn't participate in class. I knew I should've said goodbye. She said he cried till his whole body shook, which scared her. I told her he does that when he's VERY upset, and that's why I needed her to be patient. She listened this time.

Later James told me the teacher was angry at him because he kept crying for mommy. He woke from his nap halfway, crying for mommy, inconsolable, and it was hard to calm him back to sleep. He stuck to me like a leech the whole day, so afraid I would leave him again.

4th DAY
Again, he screamed when he neared the class, and pulled away screaming when he saw the teacher. She didn't help matters by looking impatiently at him, instead of smiling encouragingly. I went in with him, and he was ok. When he was sure I wasn't leaving, he was more willing to join the other kids in play. He still did his own thing, never really following the rest of the class unless it was something which interested him. I dunno what to do about this.

I found his fear of the toilet was because it was a waterfall-wall style, which he's never seen or used before, especially since he's been scared of public toilets due to the hand dryer. All the other boys could pull down their own pants and hold their own penises to go. The teacher expected James to do that too!

I had to help him get used to the toilet first, so I held his penis for him. He was terrified, but I made a game of it - hit the waterfall with his water gun. He finally let loose and enjoyed seeing his pee mix with the water and flow down. The next few times, he still wouldn't hold his own penis, but at least he was peeing.

He was happy to join the kids sitting down for snacks, drinking his own drink and eating bread on his own - though he didn't finish either. No adults helped anyone to eat. I'm not comfortable with this. I met another mom who had been there all week, and her son wouldn't let go of her hand to mix with the kids at all.

I saw what they taught in class, and felt it was too academic for James' age. I still wanted him to develop his life skills (eating, peeing, socialising) before getting him to learn how to write alphabets.

It was an exhausting morning of trying to get him to listen to teacher, hide from him or sneak out the door. He would yell whenever he noticed I was gone and insisted I be in the classroom, not just visible thru the window outside. He also got hit by this violent kid in class who was hitting everyone and he wailed, never retaliating, unlike the girls who actually hit back! 

WTF IS HAPPENING?!?!
Finally, class was over and I was looking forward to getting some water and food. I turned on the aircond to cool the car (hot day) and put James in his seat. Then I noticed a lot of foot traffic behind me. Given the spate of crimes where kids get jacked along with the cars, I closed my door and locked it - which locked all the other doors. I reminded myself to unlock it before I closed James' door, but because he was whining, I got distracted and due to physical memory, the minute I buckled him into his seat --- I SHUT THE DOOR!!!! The second the door left my hand I realised my mistake.

Coolly, I used the remote. But it wouldn't open the doors while the engine was running! Now I started panicking. MY BABY WAS LOCKED INSIDE!!!

I called Chris several times but he kept hanging up cuz he was in an important meeting. I had to call Caryn to get him, and finally could tell him to get the spare key for me and that James has oxygen since the engine is running.

I started banging on the window to get James to lift the lock. People came to help, but a Malay man pointed out they were freaking James out by peering in like that. James was starting to get upset, especially since I alternated between calmly instructing him to open the door and hysterical/angry panic. Someone got the nearby mechanics to try and lift the lock, but it was a Honda, not a Proton. Plus they kept looking at James, and he started to get hysterical - he told me later they scared him.

I spent almost an hour cajoling James to open the lock, but he just couldn't. He was so upset he was banging his head against the window or kicking it, trying to get me in. I had to yell at him to stop. He was so upset he got his shoe tangled in his foot and didn't have the presence of mind to undo it - he impossibly tried to yank it off.

I contemplated smashing the window, but it didn't make sense because James had oxygen and was a lot more comfortable than I was, Chris was on the way, AND I had security tint.

Chris passed me the key, and I was so fucking relieved the car had a keyhole. Definitely a criteria for our next car. Hugged a traumatised James and drove home. He was so exhausted from the ordeal he fell asleep before I got there and slept for 2.5 hours.

I spent the rest of the day agonising over whether to continue at Diyana or look for another more play-oriented kindy. I prayed hard.

After dinner, we're about to go home when Joshua poops. Reni takes him upstairs to change but ends up giving him a bath because she saw how tired I was and was being helpful. I happened to walk into the room JUST as she splashed some water into his tub, and he SCREECHED in pain. The hot day had turned the cold water into scalding water, and Josh got the brunt of it on his shoulders, chest, back and thigh!

It was all red and he was crying, and crying and crying, and I felt like I was about to fall apart.

I reeled myself in and told her to splash cold water on him. It was a few seconds before the cold water finally came in, and even then he just kept crying. Dad put lotion on him and assured us it would get better soon, as there were no blisters. Just 1st degree burns. We left him naked and I drove him home to put him to bed. Once home, he was ok and could wear PJ's.

I don't have the energy to take James to kindy tomorrow and leave Josh alone again. Plus, before bed, James told me he didn't like the teacher, and was very specific about which one, too. 

FUCK. What a day. I guess God's trying to tell me not to go back to Diyana. At least he answered my prayers pretty quickly.